A Strong Woman

I am not sure how to start this essay, Adalie. I have been thinking the last few days what I needed to say and how to say it. Not sure I will get it right. I guess I will just start talking and we will see where that takes us.

While on a fishing trip I received word on Saturday, April 27th from your Nana that her Grandmother Ruth had died. We had been expecting the call. Ruth was 96 years old and was in hospice care. She had a long and very adventurous life. She was a true trailblazer. I am not going to go into the details here about her life. I will leave that for future conversations with your Nana and other family members who knew her better than I.  Her obituary contains much of her history, and I am sure you will have that for future reference. If anyone else is interested they can Google Ruth Kolpin Rubison.

What I want to talk to you about is the legacy that Ruth has left behind for you: A legacy of strength. A legacy of perseverance. A woman who never wanted to hear something could not be done. Now someone else might have to do it, but she did not want to hear that it was not going to happen. Ruth was the family matriarch and role model, and I have seen many of her attributes passed down.

After leaving your house on Monday the 29th I went to work for a day and on Wednesday, May 1st we headed to Joplin. It was a sad time, and a happy time. I am not sure how to explain that to you. I realize that you are only two months old. One day you will understand.

We were there to celebrate Ruth’s life. We saw family we have not seen in quite some time. Your Nana’s cousins were there. These are people she grew up with. They lived in the same town growing up and they were more like brothers and sisters. It seems that now we only get together at weddings and funerals. I agreed that we should get together more often. We will. That I promised your Nana.

You see Adalie when you are born into this world you are with family. As you travel through your life you will make many friends and have many acquaintances. Friends and acquaintances will come and go as you pass through the different stages of your life. A few will last a lifetime. How many?  Well that will depend on how hard you work at it.

One thing for sure is that you will always have family. We enter this world with family and I would think, if people have a choice, they would choose to also have family with them when they leave this life. That is my hope. I understand that Ruth had family with her at the end. That makes me happy.

As I spent three days in southwest Missouri and northwest Arkansas I had a front row seat watching family. It was fun. Watching Uncle Ron tend bar in the lower level of his house conveniently near the swimming pool was amazing. He made drink after drink. Your Nana only had one glass of wine. Uncle Ron made sure that for several hours that glass was never empty. I have not seen your Nana like that for many, many years. It is all fun and games until she barfs in my car. I had Aunt Weezie give her a barf bag for the ride back to Bentonville, Arkansas form Carthage, Missouri. No accidents. Thank God. I would have hated to kick her out of the car. Just kidding. Maybe.

I mention that now, because I would bet that in the future if this ever comes up she will leave that part out. Hey it happens. Been there done that. If an accident would have occurred in the car I would eventually forgive her. Maybe.

Forgiveness. When I think of a strong person that is one of the many attributes I think of. I mention it here, because I believe it is an attribute that is often forgotten. As you go through life, Adalie you will need to learn to forgive. That can be hard. You cannot hate as that will just eat you up inside. You can learn to forgive. Trusting that person again might be a little more difficult. Maybe impossible. I have witnessed many an apology, but sometimes not seen the person’s behavior change. These are people you need to distance yourself from.

Just as important as the forgiveness of others is forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes. Do your best to make things right and move on knowing you have done what you could.

You will have many female role models in your life, Adalie. Your mother, Nana, Aunt Amy, and too many others to list here. I will stop so I do not get into trouble.

Many of your role models will have learned how to be a strong woman by watching Ruth. They have watched and learned and then developed those attributes they saw to fit their own unique personality. No one is ever a direct copy of someone else. We are influenced by many.

Even though you will never know or meet Ruth. A little of her personality will be passed down to you. I see it in your Nana, and your mother. That is good. I think.

It also means that in the future, your significant other will need a Man/Dog Cave. (Erin is editing this and would like you to know, Adalie, that if your significant other identifies as a woman, that is A-OK and she can have a woman cave if she wants.) You see your role models are very good at getting their points across and you always know where they stand and what is expected. Sometimes they scare me. My Man/Dog Cave has come in handy. Just saying.

Even though Ruth is no longer physically present in our lives. She is there. She lives on in her family. You my dear, are a part of that legacy. Therefore I have no doubt that you too will be like her: A Strong Woman.

Ruth

Me, my nephew Matthew, baby brother-in-law Barry, middle-brother-in-law and just right Brad.

This is my niece Allison. We are DQ buddies. She recently turned 16 and has a brand spanking new license. After the visitation she wanted to drive my car to the DQ. Hahahaha. No. You are so funny Allison.

Ruth’s “Great 8” Grandchildren

Looking Good….Feeling Good….Winning

I walked into my oncologist’s office this past Wednesday, February 13th and after saying hello the first words out of Dr. O’s mouth were “Looking Good.” I was thinking, “Well I know that doc.” Then I realized that he was talking about my numbers.

My urologist, U3, checked my numbers in January and they were down. Excellent! Dr. O is checking me in February. The test results show that my nemesis Brutus is still with me. He keeps fluctuating. We will continue to keep an eye on him. I am not worried at the moment.

Dr. O appeared to be a little confused. He basically did not understand how I could be doing so well. He shrugged his shoulders and moved his hands toward the sky with his palms up.

So we talked. Let me get this straight doc. Since I am not on active treatment, like you had requested, you do not understand how I am doing so well. Maybe it is because I am not on active treatment. He smiled. He told me that for now we would continue with doing nothing. That is correct doc. I agree that is what we are going to do. I appreciate the consultation, but Dr. Bad Ass Brown already knew what was going to happen.

He asked about my pain. I reminded him that Dr. Bad Ass Brown does not have pain. Just discomfort. I told him that when the discomfort hits that I have been taking more medicine than he had originally prescribed. One pill just does not help. The increased dosage helps with the discomfort. Also the discomfort has not been as bad the last few months. So we were good there. I told him that I was feeling good, and that I was happy.

We set up another appointment. As I was leaving I wanted so badly to tell him that if needed I was available for other patient consults. Sometimes with humor I try to make a point. I decided to shut up. It was so hard not to make that statement.

“Looking good” is a common statement I hear from people that have not seen me in a while.

I do have to ask myself a few questions once I hear that comment. Does this person not realize that I am Kevin “MF” Brown and that I always look good? Right Sharon!?

Are they making the comment because I look good for a 59-year-old? Is the comment being made because I look good for a man with cancer? Bingo, I think we have a winner.

What people do not realize is that a person’s outside appearance tells them nothing about what other things that person might be dealing with inside their body. I look good. I have been feeling better. BUT, I am not well. I have cancer. For now it does not appear that it is going to change.

I will never get tired of hearing people tell me that I am looking good. It reinforces my idea that I am winning. I still have the upper hand. Brutus will just have to wait for his day.

Sorry, but I am going to interrupt this essay for a moment to discuss another deep investigative journalistic question that people seem to want to know. No, I do not color my hair. I cannot tell you how often I have been either accused of coloring my hair or asked if I color my hair. No I do not. Stop being a hater. If you look closely you can see some gray. Look closer.

I have been blessed with my grandfather’s hair. When he died he had a full head of dark hair with just a little gray. I inherited his hair. I also inherited his cancer. So with that in mind I would rather be bald without cancer than have dark hair with cancer. I would take a bald no cancer Kevin any day. ANY DAY! Now back to regular programming. Where do I pick up my Pulitzer?

During the summer of 2015 around 1,303 days ago I was sitting in my family doctor’s office talking about my tests results. He let me know that the results were not good. He did not need to wait for the results of a biopsy or any additional scans. He told me that with a number that high that I had cancer. A biopsy later confirmed the cancer, and the process began.

Since then some days have been good, some days bad, and some…oh well I was breathing. No matter how you feel the day still happens. With the passing of each day you have a sense of victory. You put those days together and it looks pretty impressive.

I am kicking Brutus’ ass. Look at the score. I took the picture Friday when the score was 1,301 to a big fat 0 for Brutus. I have won each and every day and I do not see that streak coming to an end anytime soon. Now some of those wins have not been pretty. I along with my team have made some errors, but I will take the “W” no matter how it comes about. Brutus, well he needs a closer to lock down the late innings. He has not yet found one.

As for my team we just try to play the best game possible waiting on our chance to score. Hit and run. Steal a base. We do whatever it takes knowing the importance of the moment. We have done well.

In his great speech Stuart Scott talked about living and dying with cancer. He said the following:

“When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and the manner in which you live.”

With that in mind I know that I will beat cancer. I also realize that one day Brutus will probably go from 0 wins to 1.

Some say that when a cancer patient dies that they have lost their battle with cancer. The idea that you lose to cancer is wrong. How can you lose when the score is 1,303 to 1? You do not lose.

You win by showing Brutus that you are not afraid to live. You win by living the best possible life you can each and every day.

That is how you win. That is how an advanced patient beats cancer.

I have decided that I am going to try to change the focus of future posts. I want to move away from talking about how I am in a medical sense. No more talk of doctor visits and test results. I want to focus more on how I am beating cancer. I want to focus more on how I am living. More essays for my kids and grandchildren to have for future memories.

I will continue to write about cancer and my thoughts about the process. I just think for a while I want to stay away from talking about where I am in my process.   We will see how that works.

So in the future if you have a question on how I am doing I want you to remember this:

I look good. I feel good. I am winning.

Kevin

Hard Questions……Tough Answers

“Dad, have they told you how much time you have?”

That is the question Amy asked me recently while she, Allie, and myself had a meal at a local restaurant. Before I attempt to answer that question let me rewind for just a moment and explain what has happened the last few weeks and how we had arrived at that moment, and that question.

A few months ago Amy asked me if I would be willing to do her taxes one more year. I told her that I could help her out, but that she needed to come home and bring with her all the information I would need. I also told her that she was going to sit with me and learn how to do this herself. Her taxes are so easy.

When she arrived in town we went out to eat. I never thought that I would ever have a conversation with Amy where the topics were death and taxes. More specifically my death and her taxes, but it happened. Death and taxes cannot be avoided. So they say. I am just going to try to kick it down the road a little farther. My taxes! I will send a check on April 15th.

So we first talked about her taxes. Amy changed jobs this year and so she worked most of the year in Kansas, but a small part of the year she worked in Missouri. I pointed out that she needed, or I should say we needed, or better yet let’s get down to what was really going to happen and that I needed to file state returns for her in both Kansas and Missouri. Amy looked at me and said: “Really?”  Yes little girl, really.

After taxes she had some additional finance questions. We talked about her 401k that we had set-up, and we talked about the benefits of a Roth 401k. You know it was just a regular night talking adult shit at Applebee’s. I kept my Mountain Dew intake down so not to get hopped up and go all Spider monkey on our waiter, Chip. Have you ever been kicked out of an Applebee’s? I will save that story.

Eventually the topic turned to my health. Sooner or later it always does when I am with one of the kids. You see Amy knew that I had recently had my usual tests completed and that I had seen my new doctor to review the results. After that visit the kids were told that things were going well. Amy took this opportunity to ask for more details. Damn.

What these recent results show along with the results from the past few months is that Brutus grows for awhile and then he shrinks. Shrinking is good. So for now I can continue to stay off treatments.

I shared with Amy over Mountain Dew, chicken nuggets, and fries what happened when I saw my new doctor.

Hold on a minute I know that at this point Cammy will have a question. Let me answer. Yes Cammy, I will buy you some chicken nuggets when I see you. Promise! (That boy loves his chicken nuggets.) I will take you to DQ for chicken nuggets, and a chocolate Peanut Buster Parfait!! I am feeling a little hungry right now. How about you? Okay back to the doctor.

I went over the results with the doctor, and I told him that most of the time I was feeling really good. We talked about the tumors shrinking.

I was sitting down and all of a sudden I stood up and I raised both arms into the air and I looked the doctor right in his eyes and I said to him, “I am cured!” This was a test.

You see Dr. U never liked talking about anything negative. I was hoping that U3 would be a doctor that would handle the tough times with candor. I do not want a doctor who wants to avoid the hard questions and not provide the tough answers. I was a little surprised about what happened next.

There was a moment of silence as I watched the expression on U3’s face change. I have not seen that look on a doctor’s face since Dr. U told me that I had been misdiagnosed and that my cancer was much more advanced then I had been told and that he had great concerns for my welfare or health or something like that.

U3 had that bad news look on his face. He might also have been wondering if I was a little delusional, or maybe no one had explained to me what I was up against, and now he was going to have to tell me. Or would he? That was the test. I will paraphrase what he said. Now this is very close to a direct quote, maybe a few words different.

The doctor looked at me and said: You have metastatic cancer. Your numbers could blow up tomorrow. I am glad that you are feeling well. Enjoy this while you can, because it will not last.

WOW and DAMN…DAMN…DAMN!

You think maybe a little too much candor? No, in my situation I think there can never be too much candor. I wanted to see if he would level with me. I wanted to see if he could be trusted. He passed the test. Thanks doc.

Now I do think that in the future I am going to have to talk to him about his word choice. That word “metastatic.” That has got to go. I do not like it. It sounds sooo bad. I am thinking that he should use the word that other doctors have used and that word being, advanced. You know you can be an advanced swimmer, advanced student, or have an advanced IQ. Which I am none of those, but I have an advanced disease. I like that better. We will talk. Moving on.

I asked the doctor if he thought I could remain off treatments for all of 2019. I asked because I already have a lot on my calendar. A couple of fishing trips, Table Rock Lake trip, baseball games, Alaska, a trip to the homeland and who knows what other opportunities will present themselves (like visiting the newest baby Heger in KC).

I guess one of them will not be a Missouri football bowl game. Damn NCAA. Maybe my anger should be directed somewhere else. Let me think about that a moment….Nope. Damn NCAA.

I really cannot think of a good time to ever go back on treatments, but especially this year. I do not want to sit on my butt at home. I want to get out and live. Looking at my schedule I do not have time to be sick.

I was looking at the doctor waiting on him to answer my questions about treatments. He did not look very comfortable. I could tell that he did not have the answer that I really wanted to hear. I guess I should not have asked such a hard question. He was having a tough time with his answer.

He looked at me and then said, “Maybe.”

We exchanged smiles. I knew what he meant. I know that he wants me to be able to cling to a little bit of hope. I will.

Before leaving the office an appointment was made for April. Then we will do this all over again. We talked about a new set of scans to be done in April. Damn.

As we go forward moving through time I know that things will change because nothing stays the same in the cancer world. They say that time marches on, but for me and people like me, our fear is that time is running out.

That brings us back to the question that Amy asked, “Dad, have they told you how much time you have?”

I have an answer to that question. The answer itself raises other questions.

I have talked to Justin and Erin in the past about Amy’s question. Justin and I have probably talked about it more in depth than I have with the girls. Amy has never really brought it up. I would imagine they have talked to each other.

They could ask Winston. Winston and I talk so he knows everything. Winston is such a good listener and is never judgmental. You can learn a lot from a dog.

Amy’s question is one of those questions where you think you might want to know the answer, but you really do not. If you do not know then you do not have to face it. The answer cannot hurt you.

I asked Amy a couple of questions to make sure she really wanted to get into this discussion. She did not. She decided that what she wanted was to think that I was going to be around for fifty more years. We left it at that. You see Amy is a lot like me. Let me explain.

I have a book sitting on my bookshelf directly behind me as I am typing. The book is titled, “Tuesdays with Morrie.” I read this book several years ago. Or rather I read most of the book several years ago. Many of you are probably familiar with the book and know that Morrie dies. I enjoyed Morrie so much as I read the book that I did not want him to die. I found myself refusing to read the ending. In my mind Morrie would stay alive. He would still be teaching life lessons. I later finished the book.

I did not want to confront the ending of Morrie’s story, nor does Amy want to confront my last chapter.

In a few months we will be entering the fourth year of my life with Brutus. When you look into what I consider to be my timeline we have gotten really deep into this process.

Erin, Justin, Amy, and Christy are the most important people in my life. They experience their own pain and have their own fears as they try to deal with what has happened and what will happen. I want to help them get through the last chapter.

Take a moment to read these words from Morrie:

“If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive right in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'”

Amy, when you are ready with your hard questions I have answers. Remember that we will hope for the best, but we must be prepared for the worst. It will be tough, but we will get through this together.

Love,

Dad

I came down with the flu recently, and while I was recovering Amy
and Allie took advantage of me not being myself and ganged up on me to
win several uno games. Good thing they were not sanctioned games.

BrownTown Christmas Letter

It is the week before Christmas and all through BrownTown everyone is stirring even the mouse. In the garage! I hate meeces to pieces, but that is another story. I need Kiki here.

Here at BrownTown everyone is all caught up in the hustle and bustle of Christmas and trying to find that perfect gift. Me I know what to expect. Every year it is the same thing. Papa says, “Just give that dog a bone.” Every year! Yup!

Hi folks. Let me take a minute to introduce myself as you might be new to this publication.

I am Winston “Tiger Dog” Brown the offical reporter for BrownTown. I will soon be 15 years old, and have been reporting from BrownTown most of those years. As usual I am getting a late start. Things would go much smoother if I had thumbs. Damn keyboard.

It has been a very good year with much to report so let’s get to it.

I spoke to my cousin Cheeto. I think we are cousins. We are family dogs, and Papa says that makes us cousins. Anyway Cheeto has the down low on Amy and Allie. Many things have taken place in the Cheeto house. Allie graduated from college with her nursing degree and is working at a dialysis clinic for Fresenius Medical Care. She bought a Jeep Wrangler right before graduation. It is very cool. She got it with an anti-theft device: Manual Transmission. She also has been practicing her Jeep wave and is getting better. They went on a vacation to Estes Park in Colorado and took the Jeep on the back trails. Papa said that he wanted to go next time.

The girls moved to Prairie Village which is a suburb of KC. It is right on the Missouri border of Waldo, MO. So never say, “Where’s Waldo?” Papa thinks he is funny and will tell you that Waldo is next to Prairie Village. He laughs. Actually it is nice to hear him laugh. So ask.

When they moved it was much closer to where Amy works. I guess I should say worked. Amy said adios to her job and hopefully her 60 hour work weeks. She is now a graphic designer with Reactor Design Studio at their office located in downtown KC. They are a smaller firm with a focus on local clients. No more having to get on a plane to go watch a commercial being made.

Also they got a cat this year. Her name is Kiki. She is named after a Drake song. Hell, Papa and I had to ask:   “Who’s Drake?” Oh well. Moving on!

I hooked up with Dixie using a Snap Shit app. Who says you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. Papa on the other hand, well he is lost. Poor guy.

Dixie gave me the down low on the Hegers. Steven is still doing that top secret defense contractor work for Honeywell. In his spare time he builds cars. I do not mean models, but real cars. He has also taken up furniture building. His stuff looks really good.

Erin has found herself getting busier and busier each month with her freelance writing. She does some political reporting and she writes about women and family issues. She has been able to get regular assignments from several publications. She was also published in The Atlantic online magazine this year. Very proud.
Justin is living in Lee Summit, MO. He did not come home to live with Papa and Mama this year while doing the Christmas light business. The Light Guys is still going strong, but Justin has relied on his partner here in Wichita to manage the day to day duties. Justin moved into a new position with sales management responsibilities with the KC roofing company he is with, and they preferred that he stay in KC working for them this fall/winter. Things are going well.

Mama and Papa have been on the road much of this year with trips to Hawaii, Colorado, Texas, Wyoming, Arkansas, and of course Missouri. Papa will be on the road in a couple of weeks with a trip to Tennessee. Go Tigers!! Papa is feeling better. They keep their fingers crossed. I would if I had fingers.

Now it is time to talk about Camden.

Cammy has been growing and talking more and more. Papa says that soon he will no longer need an interpreter to understand him. Papa sometimes has a hard time speaking Cammy, but the language of love he can handle. They have a special bond. Papa was there when Cammy caught his first fish. Papa has been able to experience many of Cammy’s firsts and of course taken photos and video. He bumped into Erin while they were both trying to film Cammy at Table Rock. Erin asked Papa, “Hey who is the parent here?” Papa has to tell himself to chill. He has had those opportunities with his three gifts. It is time for Erin and Steven to enjoy the gift of Camden.

The wise men brought the baby Jesus the three gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The most special three gifts ever brought to BrownTown were: Erin, Justin, and Amy. Papa would not trade them for anything. Most days anyway. Sorry Jesus, but you can keep your gold.

Now we have the gift of Camden, and he brings so much joy to so many.

Being the wise old dog that I am I have seen a lot and I understand a little about human culture. I understand that the greatest gift ever given to mankind was a child and his birth is celebrated on the day called Christmas.

That is the chosen day to celebrate. No one knows the exact date that Jesus was born. Papa does know the dates his greatest gifts were born. Well sometimes he needs to be reminded.

Papa tries to find that special gift for Camden, but Papa knows that one day Camden will realize that the best and most special gifts in your life are not found under a tree. They are the people in your life. This is the season to celebrate our gifts. We celebrate our present gifts, and remember the gifts that are no longer with us.

So as we gather in BrownTown this year at the special table with the green table cloth that will not come off (Beverly Hillbillies) and use our special long pot passers we will celebrate the gifts around the table. But one gift will not yet be there. That gift will arrive in February.

For unto Erin, Steven, and Camden a child will be born. Camden will one day realize that the gift of a little brother or sister will be one of the most precious gifts he will have ever received.

Well I guess that is all the news fit to print from BrownTown this year.

From all of us here in BrownTown to all of you we hope that you get to spend time with your special gifts this Christmas and Holiday Season.

Hope to see you soon. Out.

Winston “Tiger Dog” Brown

Giving Thanks

Today is Sunday November 25th, 2018 and what started out as a simple Facebook post has turned into an essay. I did not mean for that to happen, it just did. Sometimes I get to typing and all of these thoughts start swimming around in my head and out they come. Sorry.

I guess my fingers just cannot shut up. I lovingly get that from my mom I think. She is a talker. At times I can be as well. Speaking of mom I recently noticed that for the first time someone had unfriended me on Facebook. So I call my mom and ask her why she unfriened me. She pointed out that it could not have been her. Hell we are not even friends. Point well made mom.

So I get up this morning and it is blowing snow outside. So I went back to bed. That reminds me of my college years. If it was raining outside I did not go to class. Bullshit melts you know.

When I did decide to get up I was sitting at the kitchen table watching the snow come down and drinking my coffee out of my Cardinal mug. My Tiger mug was dirty. I used it on game day Friday. Did you see the beat down put on the little piggies by the mighty Missouri Tigers? I loved it.

I do have to be careful and watch what I say. I have a lot of family who live in Arkansas. Others graduated from the University of Missouri and were able to escape.

I have to remind myself that we do owe Arkansas thanks for that great and needed invention called the toothbrush. Now if it had been invented anywhere else it would have been called the teeth brush. Just saying.

So while drinking my coffee I am smiling thinking about the past few days. All the kids and pets were home for Thanksgiving. Last year Thanksgiving was at Erin’s. This year we gathered back at that little house on Judith in Wichita.

So the kids had to travel over the river and through the woods. Sometimes you cannot trust that GPS. I keep telling them that it is a straight shot down I-35 out of Kansas City. Someday they will learn to listen to me, or maybe not.

Amy, Allie, Justin, Cheeto, and Kiki the cat arrived home Wednesday night. Kiki could not stay long. Erin is very allergic to cats. Kiki did not spend much time in the house. On Thanksgiving we welcomed Erin, Steven, Camden, and Dixie.

We have lived in this house almost 28 years. Two years ago was the last Thanksgiving we were all together on Judith. It was then that we all sat down at the kitchen table and we explained to the kids that I was sick. We spoke about Brutus.

Christy and I had known about Brutus for awhile. I had thought that I was going to be able to keep Brutus a secret. I had hoped to never have to tell them about Brutus. Then we learned that Brutus was going to be more of a big deal than we had thought. That led to the kitchen table discussion. The news was not taken well.

The kids made me promise that I would never again keep news about Brutus from them. They wanted to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think I have been able to keep that promise at least most of the time.

That discussion was long before this blog was started. Since starting the blog I have made it a point that they would know what is going on before it appears here. I do not want them to learn what is going on from these pages.

Since we were all together again I was grilled on what was going on and if they knew everything. For some reason I think they feel that I am at times holding back. They might be right. I assured them that for now they knew everything (they needed to know). At times they get very pissed with me. Go figure.

So while sitting drinking my coffee I am thinking about the Camden time I had the past few days. A bigger smile is now on my face.

Camden and I had many leaves to take care of. I mulched up most of the leaves with a mower. Camden followed along. It was 69 degrees outside.

This was the first time this year that I have mowed. I had to hire a service last year during midsummer to mow the yard. Dealing with Brutus was just too much at that time. I never knew from day to day how I was going to feel and found that doing yard work quickly zapped me of my strength. So this year I just started the season with a yard service. It bothers me that I cannot even mow my own yard. Damn!

So Saturday, yesterday, Camden and I decided that we are going to tackle those leaves. We got the little John Deere push mower to start and off we went with Camden right behind me.

I bought that mower when we bought the house. Nothing run likes a Deere.

Then we tackled the small garden area in the back yard where I grew a few tomatoes. Keeping up with the big garden and little garden were a bit much this year. The little garden did not get the needed attention. Hell neither did the big garden. Camden helped me pull up the tomato cages and take out the weeds. He was a very busy little man.

So we mowed and took care of the leaves. We fertilized and watered the lawn. We had to get all that done Saturday, because snow was suppose to move into the area Saturday night. After the yard work we spent time at a city park a few blocks away. We had fun. I even felt good.

Next year the plan is to once again to do my own yard work. I do not like the service. They just do not get the yard looking like it should. You know I am one of those guys that take great pride in his yard. I mow twice a week during the spring. I measure the grass to make sure it is the right height. If I see one goddamn Dandelion in my yard well all hell breaks loose. Yes I am one of those guys.

I am trying to change. I do know that there are more important things than keeping your yard looking great. The garden needs to look good as well.

Also Winston tries to help me keep things in perspective. He just pisses on my grass and kills areas. I have finally given up that fight. I just buy sod a couple of times a year and fix his destruction. I am anal.

So with the threat of snow moving into the area Saturday night, plans changed. All the kids left to return to KC Saturday evening. Cammy was the last to leave. They pulled out around 7:30. Cammy was crying. He did not want to leave his Papa. Or maybe it was because he had not had a nap in two days and he was hitting that melt down wall. He was asleep within five minutes of leaving the driveway. He slept for 12 hours. I think I wore the kid out.

So now I sit at the kitchen table. The house is once again very quiet. No little man pulling my hand or shirt wanting me to get onto the floor and play, saying “Papa wook at dis.” I miss him.

I am thinking how thankful I am to have my family. I am thankful for the time we are able to spend together. I am also thankful that they have their own homes to go to. I kinda like this empty nest thing.

All kidding aside having homes of their own is a positive. It tells me that we did good. We raised three kids who were able to eventually leave the nest and make lives on their own. I am very proud of them.

Sitting in the kitchen I find myself thinking about this last year. Things we have had to deal with and overcome. Victories we have had along with a few minor setbacks. A couple of those setbacks were two additional cancer surgeries. Damn!

I think of trips I have made this year. We went to Hawaii, Colorado twice, Wyoming once, Arkansas a couple of times, Missouri several times, and of course St. Louis twice. Been to Oklahoma, wait a minute I was just driving through Oklahoma thankfully. Now that is a flyover state. Okay, okay there are a few places there I want to go. Maybe next year.

One trip we are hoping to make next year is to Alaska. This trip has been at the top of my list. With a new grandchild due to arrive in February I asked Christy if she wanted to put this trip off a little longer so that we had more time to spend with the newest little Heger.

Christy told me that she did not think that was a good idea. She pointed out that I am feeling okay now. We do not know what tomorrow will bring. We need to do this trip now. She is right.

We have a two-week trip booked for the end of July into August. I am looking forward to the adventure.

Joining us for the first week in Alaska will be my sister-in-law Connie and my brother-in-law Brad. They drove up here from Arkansas a few weeks ago to have some fun, which means spending time with me. We also finalized the trip. They traveled with their toothbrush.

I enjoy spending time with them. We had the World Series of Spades while they were here. The teams were brother-in-laws against sisters. We were clicking. Our pitching was spot on and our bullpen was shut down. The women had no chance. We showed no mercy as they tried blind nil after blind nil.

We took them down 4 games to 0. Let me repeat that, 4 to 0. Connie commented that you win some and you lose some. I had to point out to her that they lost them all. She loves me.

I had to make sure there was some distance between us when I made that comment. She has been known to come after me with wooden spoons. Or putting pepper in my mustache while sleeping. You wake up and inhale then you find you cannot breathe. She has short sheeted my bed and put shaving cream on my pillow. I cannot remember all the shit she has done to me. She is just trying to get my attention. She loves me.

I get another cup of coffee and I am still thinking about how thankful I am for the people in my life. So many that I cannot mention everyone today.

I do want to talk about a trip I took in October back to my Homeland. I do plan in the future to have a blog post about that trip, but today I wanted to talk about it as well.

On this trip I was able to reconnect with people that I have not spent time with in 30 plus years. A few I saw last year when I did the “Let’s get Reacquainted with Kevin Tour.”

“It’s been said that everlasting friends go long periods of time without speaking and never question the friendship. These friends pick up like they spoke yesterday regardless of how long it has been or how far away they live and they don’t hold grudges. They understand life is busy and love is there.”

I do not know who said that, but from my experience I find it to be very true.

When I was told that I was sick I said to myself, “I got this!” When I learned that they were not going to be able to fix me I realized that “I might not have this.”

I was told by a friend in the medical field that I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and then go do it.

What I want to do is make a difference in people’s lives when I can. I think at times I am able to do that. I am thankful.

I wanted to travel and see more of our great nation. So far I have been able to do a little of that. I am thankful.

I wanted to reach out to people that have been part of my life. That could be a relationship from years ago or one that is more current. I wanted them to know that our relationship no matter how long ago meant something to me.

In my quest I have not been turned away. The outpouring of love and kindness I have felt I cannot explain. We picked up right where we left off.

This is Brenda with her grandchildren Isaac, Natalie and Libby. Isaac is a cool kids to talk to and he played the piano for me. He is good. I hope one day to be as good as he is now. Natalie showed me her Bicentennial Little Miss Contest Crown. She is a beautiful young lady. Libby I did not get to see this trip. Hopefully next time.

Rusty and I sat down for a few cups of coffee in Wellsville. Hours later we decided that we needed to do this more often. That is the plan.

Dave and I letting whiskey do what whiskey does. We have a long history with that.

Sharon and Jim are two of my favorite people. I cannot tell you what getting back in touch with Sharon has meant to me.

I did not get to spend as much time with Doug as I would have liked. I should have let him know I was coming. Next time.

Jeff and Carolyn are my Missouri brother and sister.

Robyn and Laurie are great friends. Grade school, high school and college. We have had some interesting times together. Spending time with them again was wonderful.

So as I sit here now with another cup of coffee. I want each of my past and present friends to know that you have shaped my life. You have made me the person that I am today.

For that I want each of you to know how truly thankful I am and will always be.

Kevin

Choices

It has been several weeks since I have written any update to what is going on with Brutus. A few things have happened. I have had several doctor visits, and many tests to get an idea on what is going on right now inside my body.

I keep putting this conversation off waiting on the next appointment, waiting on the latest results. The results are in. Can I have the envelope please?

Now picture a beautiful young lady with brown hair walking into my study and handing me an envelope. My study was formally known as Erin’s bedroom. I moved a desk and a computer into the room. Oh and a refrigerator for beer.

Now back to the woman. Yes Christy fits that description, but it is not her. Now by young I mean a lady most likely in her 50’s, but 40’s or 60’s would be fine. I do not discrimination by age in my fantasies. I am getting older you know. I hope that aging process continues, so back to the envelope.

The brown eyed lady tells me that the envelope has been hermetically sealed, and that it contains the results tabulated by the accounting firm of Ernest and Tubbs. She hands me the envelope and walks away. History just repeated itself. Damn!

I open the envelope and it says: Dear Kevin – you still have cancer. It is not going away. Now deal with that. You have choices that have been explained to you. You now have to make a decision. That decision needs to be made now. It was signed: Sincerely, your medical team.

That is what this essay is about:  The choices and risks facing many cancer patients.   The pros and cons of those choices and the stress one goes through in trying to make that decision.

Camden as you grow older you will find that life is full of difficult choices and some that are not so difficult. Going to the pumpkin patch with you instead of watching football was not a difficult decision. We had fun. Spending time with you brings me so much joy.

While at the pumpkin patch you had to make the decision on which pumpkin you were taking home. I know you had your eye on a large one, but you could not quite pick it up. The one you chose and carried out of the patch looked great. You made a good choice.

Making a decision can be hard. You should be at my office around lunch time and the ladies want to know where I am taking them to lunch. I ask them why that is always my decision? They say, “Dah, because you are driving.” I throw out some choices and soon a decision is made. Sometimes I have to use my veto power and tell them to pick again if I do not like the choice.

Picking pumpkins and a place to go for lunch are normally easy decisions. Sometimes the decisions we are confronted with in life are much more complicated.

You see Camden there can be problems in trying to make a decision when you have difficult choices. When you make a decision you often do not know if you made the correct decision. Sometimes you know right then, but often it takes time to tell if you made the right decision. It might take a day, a week, a month, or even years to really learn if some decisions you made were correct.

You might wonder how a person goes about making these tough life decisions. I am sorry to tell you that I do not have a fool proof answer to that question. Many times I have learned that I was wrong and I must then correct myself and make things right. I know that is hard for you to believe that your Papa has ever been wrong. Just ask your mother.

I will tell you that you should never make decisions where you intentionally hurt innocent people. I say innocent people because unfortunately some people are evil and make decisions that hurt others and they must be stopped.

When all is said and done you must be comfortable with your decision. Sometimes you will find that your decisions will not be popular, and some might not agree with your decision. They can second guess you and they will. The bottom line is that you have looked over your choices you must make the decision that is right for you.

One day I was driving down the street and over the radio a robbery in progress call was broadcast. I was just seconds from the fast food restaurant that was being robbed.

I pulled into the shopping area and parked out of sight from the business windows. When I got out of my car an officer pulled up. I grabbed a shotgun and we walked up to the side door entrance near the front counter. The officer opened the door for me and I walked into the business pointing the shotgun at the robbery suspect. The safety on the shotgun was off and my finger was resting outside the trigger. The officer came into the business after me and was standing behind me. He was a smart guy, no sense in both of us getting shot.

When I walked into the business I saw the robbery suspect holding a handgun in his right hand. He was pointing the gun at the young female employee behind the counter. The gun was pointed at her face and she was crying.

I identified myself and told the suspect to put the gun down. The exact words I used I do not remember. I might not have been very nice.

I looked at this robber and what I saw was a kid. I mean a kid. He was short. Shorter than I am, and I am short. If he would have been standing next to me he may have reached the area of my chest.

He did not follow my instructions and put the gun down. Rather while still pointing the gun at the store employee he turned his head toward me and was looking at me. I again yelled at him to put the gun down. He did not.

Instead of putting the gun down he turned his body toward me and now was pointing his gun at me. I had to make a decision on what to do. I did not like my choices.

As I looked at him pointing that gun at me I thought to myself, “Kid you get the first shot. I hope you miss.”

Had that kid been a little taller I would have shot him. At that moment I could not do that. He looked so young that I could not bring myself to shoot him. I am not sure I could have lived with that decision the rest of my life. I decided not to shoot.

I again yelled at him to drop the gun. He did not, but he yelled back that the gun was a toy. That gun did not look like a toy to me or to anyone else in that business. I again yelled at him to put the gun down. He did.

The officer grabbed the kid. I grabbed the gun. It was a toy. It was a goddamned toy gun! The kid was nine years old. His father had been in or was in prison at the time for armed robbery. That kid came close to losing his life. I came close to losing my mind.

The gun looked very real to me. A picture of that gun was later on the front page of the newspaper. It was there to show just how difficult our decisions can be and how often our decisions are made in split seconds.

Some did not agree with my decision. Some felt that I put myself in too much danger and in so doing I was placing others in danger.

I made the decision that day on what was right for me. What type of person I was and what type of person I wanted to be. I was willing to take the risk of being shot. I wanted to give that kid every opportunity for life.

It worked out for me. It worked out for him.

Later that night I was called into the supervisor’s office. He sat me down to talk about what had happened. He told me that I had made the right decision.

When our conversation ended and I got out of my chair to leave the office he stopped me. He said, “Kevin, one more thing. I want you to know that if you had chosen to shoot that kid that too would have been the right decision.”

I understood what he was trying to tell me. He was saying that the law textbooks say that I would have been legally justified if I had shot him. I nodded and walked out. I will never forget that conversation. I will never forget that kid. I took a risk that day and it worked out. Sometimes you have to ignore the textbooks.

I have found myself once again having to evaluate choices and make a critical decision. A decision on how I want to live my life. Some believe that I am taking a risk in what treatment option I have chosen in dealing with Brutus. I understand that, but I do not think we can avoid risk in our lives. If I tried to avoid risk then I would not even go to work. Avoiding risk in my work is hard to do. You just deal with it, and try to minimize the risk.

Now in my personal life I have tried to avoid risk. I wear a seat belt when I drive. I look both ways when I cross a street. I refuse to be a passenger in a vehicle if Justin is driving. I do not jump off cliffs at Table Rock Lake. Okay, okay I might have done that. Justin made me. I can tell you that I will not ever do that again. My ass still hurts. Damn! Can you break your ass? I think I did.

We now know that Brutus is again growing. The question now is how far and/or how fast do we let the disease grow before doing something. With most men prostate cancer is categorized as a slow growth disease. Unfortunately with some men the disease is much more aggressive. I am one of them. Damn!

The velocity of growth is something that has to be closely tracked. Cancer grows exponentially. As more and more cancer cells are produced the velocity just increases. You can reach a point of no return. In that I mean that the cancer could grow to a point where it becomes much harder to treat. It might reach a point where it is untreatable. That is why my medical team would prefer that I am on continuous treatments.

I think of it like a game of “Whac-a-Mole.” At first the moles pop up slowly and you are able to control them with your hammer. The moles eventually start to pop up faster and faster. Then you find that you can no longer control them.

Dr. O’s philosophy is that you are either early with treatments or you are too late. His belief is that I need to be on continuous treatments because once you have stopped treatments it is very hard to be able to know the exact time when a person should once again resume treatments. The only way to be sure that you are early is to never ever stop. Now that Brutus is growing again he wants me on treatments.

Eventually the poison they are using will stop working. Brutus is not stupid and he will eventually develop a resistance to the poison. You spend your life going from one treatment protocol to another.

How long you survive depends on how well your body responds to the different poisons and the development of new poisons and treatments to extent your survival. Some work better and longer than others. Some you find out do not work at all. It can be different for each patient. What worked for one of your family members might not work for me, and vice versa. We might be diagnosed with the same type of cancer, but each cancer is so different.

Survival: I find the use of that word to be odd or even funny. Survival is a word often used by my medical team. They do not talk about living. They talk about surviving.

That is where I have this disconnect with my team on how we should be moving forward. When I explained to Erin that I was going off drugs she made the comment that the doctors were just trying to keep me alive. Yes, yes they are, and I greatly appreciate that. But there is one thing that must be understood and that is I have a different perspective than they have or most likely even you have. The only people who will understand what I am talking about are other cancer patients.

There is a difference between living and surviving. Modern medicine can keep you alive, but sometimes you have to ask if this is a life you want to live? Is it worth living?

I have often asked myself that if I knew before this all started where I would be today would I have done the same thing. That answer changes depending on my mood, but most often the honest answer is no. That is not what people want to hear so I never share it. If I had known from the beginning what was going on inside me, and what was going to happen to my body, and how my quality of life would be affected then my treatment decisions might have been different. My body, my spirit, my life has been broken. Just like Humpty Dumpty they cannot put these pieces back together again. But we are here so I will make the best of a bad situation.

I agree that the poison will work better when it has fewer cancer cells to deal with. The more cells the greater the risk that the poison will not be able to control them or they will spread to an area of the body that is not treatable.

I understand that. But I also understand this:

Right now I feel better than I have in years. I can work out. I can run. I can dance. I can sing? Okay, maybe I cannot sing, but I try. I mumble along while driving. I have a great shower voice. Maybe?

I am right now the most optimistic I think I have ever been on how my future looks. I believe that as we move forward things will work out and the treatments will work. I believe that new treatments will be developed. That is how I have to look at things. That is what I must believe. And I do. I do not plan on leaving this world anytime soon.

Now I have discovered one problem from coming off the drugs. That problem is that the discomfort I feel in several ribs bothers me more at times. When it hits I do not work out, run, dance, or sing. I pretty much do nothing. After awhile the discomfort decreases. It never goes away. I feel it right now. Sometimes it bothers me when I breathe. Exhaling does not bother me so much. It is that inhaling. I have been told in the past if something hurts then stop doing it. I am still trying to figure this one out. I will get back to you on that inhaling problem.

Drugs help, but I have told the team that I do not want to take narcotics. I would rather deal with the discomfort then take lortabs or oxycodone. They do work. I just do not want them. At some point they will become an issue with my employment. I wanted a non narcotic pain reliever if possible. They put me on tramadol. I do not know anything about tramadol. I take that back. I do know that shit is not working.

What I do not want to do is go back on treatments and no longer feel good. I do not want the poison in my body. I do not want to have a conversation with someone and then have to check out mentally during the conversation because I have to concentrate on trying to control the nausea that I am feeling and keep myself from throwing up on that person’s shoes. I am not looking forward to going back to hugging the trash can in my office on many afternoons. I am not looking forward to the headaches. I am not looking forward to the increased fatigue and weakness. Just having cancer you deal with fatigue and weakness. The poison just intensifies those feelings. I am not looking forward to the depression.

I went to see Dr. U and it was decided that I should also see another urologist to get his opinion on my situation. This will be my third urologist. I am getting confused. Should I call him U3 and then does that make Dr. U, U2? U1 was Dr. Richard Little or Dick. I fired him.

If Dr. U becomes U2 should I just call him Bone-O? An urologist called Bone-O. My juvenile humor is making me laugh. Ha Ha Ha. Yes Erin I am laughing harder than anyone else. That reminds me that I am about out of Trimix. Need to make a phone call.

(Okay this essay has been sitting around my house for about three days. I have decided that I might need to explain something to you George Strait fans out there so you get the reference. U2 is a rock band and Bono is their lead singer. Still not funny? Sorry I have been laughing for the past three days. You can continue reading.)

I have decided that Dr. U will stay Dr. U. Dick will forever be a Dick. The new guy will be U3.

Dr. U3 I am told is a specialist in advanced prostate cancer. He deals with the worst of the worst. Damn! He and Dr. U are colleagues in the same medical practice, but different buildings. I am told by a PA that U3 is probably more informed on different drug treatments that might help me.

So I am sent to see U3. I am moved into a waiting room where I sat for around 45 minutes. Dr. U3 finally comes in and introduces himself. He sits down at a computer and is reading about me. He then looks me up and down and the first thing he says to me is that I am much younger than most of his patients.

I really do not know how to take that. Is that good or bad or a little of both. I do not know. I am looking him up and down and thinking that he is an asshole. He is looking at me and I think he is sensing that his bedside manner is not playing well.

He then tells me that being younger is a good thing. It is? Really? That is bullshit! I do not think it is good at all. First off, if I had the choice I would never choose to go through this shit at all. But if it had to happen I would have picked a number much higher than my current age.

He then explains that I should be able to handle many of the treatments better than most of his patients. That is code for you are going to be one sick fucker before this is all over, but the treatments should not kill you. Damn! I think.

He then again turns to the computer and makes a comment about what he is reading. He talks about the spread of my disease and makes a positive comment about one of the scan results. The problem was that he was wrong. I did not say anything.

His PA was also in the room. She was a very sharp young lady, and pleasing to the eyes. Just saying. It became apparent to me that she had actually read my history before I came into the room. She corrected the doctor and gave him the correct results of my scans that were done at a hospital in Illinois. They were not positive results. He then responded, and I will quote him, “Oh.” I think that is pretty accurate. He continued to read and he made no additional positive comments. Nothing negative, but he no longer was waiving pompoms or being delusional with optimism.

Then we talked more. We talked about everything that had been done to me and my not wanting to go back on drugs just yet. I told him that since my cancer was again growing that Dr. O wanted me back on drugs right now. That he wanted me on continuous treatments. I explained that I wanted intermitted treatments where I would be on drugs for awhile and then off drugs to allow my body to recover.   I was willing to go back on drugs at some point. I had a number in my mind were I was comfortable with allowing the cancer to reach before going back on drugs. I had a risk level that I was willing to tolerate.

I explained to U3 that I was thinking about paring my medical team down and that most likely I was going to choose him or Dr. O to treat me. I wanted to know what his recommendation would be.

He then told me that Dr. O was right. That if you go by the medical textbook I should be on continuous treatments. He said that the most recent research showed that my survival would be better if I stayed on continuous treatments vs. intermitting treatments. Once again a doctor is using the word survival and not living. Damn!

I am thinking this is not good. What can I say to get him to shut up? Maybe I could throw my pocket square at him and whistle this recommendation dead. Maybe call him for roughing the patient or something. I needed a diversion, but it was too late to fall on the floor and fake a heart attack.

You see Christy was in the room. She has told me all along that she felt that by staying off treatments that I am shorting my life. Now she was hearing what this guy was saying. He was starting to make things more difficult for me. I did not like the situation and I was beginning to like him less than before, but boy that PA was cute.

We talked more and I gave him my reasons for not wanting back on treatments at this time. He was actually listening. I wanted him to understand that I was not a textbook problem. I was a human being and that I wanted to be treated as one. I wanted him to know that I understood the risks and that I wanted my opinion to matter. Once again there is a time to ignore the textbook.

You see I want to live and not just survive. To the doctor’s survival means being able to sit on the couch with drool running out of your mouth not really knowing what is going on, but still able to watch Vanna White turn letters for Pat. That is not living. Hey, I do that now. Never mind.

He then began to talk about quality of life. Thank God. He understood my quality of life issues. He told me that if I did not want to go back on drugs yet that he would work with me on that. He told me that he had a number in mind that we could not let the cancer pass. He gave me that number. It was my number!! It was the number I have said all along I wanted to reach before going back on the poison. I started to like him a little more.

Christy has told me that when I see the doctors that I am not very nice and I am grouchy. What I am is defensive. I do not mean to be, but I know that I am.

I cannot tell you how much stress is put on a person when they have to deal with cancer and also have to deal with a medical team that is not quite on board with your wishes. I have decided that if you are not on Team Kev then you are going to be gone.

I told U3 that I was not happy that Dr. U and Dr. O did not communicate better. I asked that he communicate with Dr. O. I told U3 that I would be seeing Dr. O the following week and that after that visit I would make a decision on who was staying on Team Kev and who was going.

We talked about future treatment options and made an appointment for January. Not so sure it is going to work. What I would like to do is hire his PA, but they come together. Will have to see how that works out.

I have to say that over the last few years I have seen many doctors. Both men and women, and I will tell you right now that I have been very impressed with the lady doctors. In my opinion they take more time in explaining things, and I feel that they are better listeners. The female doctors that I have visited with have been more upfront and blunt than their male counterparts. I appreciate that. U3’s PA knew my history, and she probably already has a treatment program in mind. I want her on the team. I guess U3 can join us as well. I will see them in January.

So I saw Dr. O a week after seeing U3. Dr. O told me that he has communicated with U3. After I picked myself up off the floor I told him that was excellent.

Then Dr. O said something else that took me totally by surprise. He basically said that he was caving to my request and was going to go along with me and the target PSA number I had chosen. I was stunned. Maybe now I can start being a little nicer.

Of course all of this depends on how fast or the velocity of the disease. If the velocity keeps increasing then I am back on the poison sooner than I had hoped.

It took a year of treatments to get the number down to where we wanted. I am hoping that it will take a year before having to return to treatments, but it might be nine months or even six months. I will take whatever I can get.

Taking everything into consideration I am happy. I am very happy.

Is it the most optimal plan? I do not know. I do know that it is the best decision for me. I know the risk. I understand the risk. I can live with the risk.

Some would say that what I am doing is allowing Brutus the first shot. That might be right. We do not know. If I am giving Brutus the first shot I only have one thing to say:

I hope he misses.

Kevin

Time

Time is very precious to me. As you can see on Facebook I spent time with Erin, Steven, Camden, Dixie, Amy, Allie, Cheeto, KiKi (the cat), Justin, Christy, and Ed Sheeran in KC over the weekend. Not many better ways to spend my time.

Okay maybe I did not technically spend the weekend with Ed. Amy and Allie did take us to his concert at Arrowhead Saturday night. It was a great concert. I loved it. Thank you Amy and Allie for a great time. It was so excellent that I am going to suggest you take me to another show soon. You know Breaking Benjamin will be in Wichita in November. Just saying.

While at the concert Ed did not start until 9:00. The first opening act started around 7:00. The girls had heard of him. I had not. Some guy calling himself lauv which he pronounced love. Never heard of him, but I did recognize one song. Do not remember the name. Oh well. Then Snow Patrol played. I never have been a big fan, but they were good.

What I am getting to is that since Ed had two opening acts I had time to catch a little of the Tigers football game in a bar at the stadium. Mostly I followed the game on my phone. Well you know how that ended. Not well. Not well at all.

Oh well there is always next year, I mean next week. They are still playing for a decent bowl game. Going to have to knock off Kentucky or Florida or both, but I do not want to get too far ahead of myself. I predict that this next Saturday that the Tigers will win in Columbia. I just hope that it is our Tigers.

So what else did I do this weekend you might ask? Well we went to a haunted house in downtown KC. That was fun. Again Ed was Saturday night. Did I do anything else that I can think of? Let me think about that. Oh yes I spent time with Camden. We always have a great time together.

Before the Haunted House

We took some photos, and video. I hope you enjoy them. You know that if I spent time in KC that you were going to see Cammy photos and video.

Now if you are a grandparent you understand the joy and happiness you feel having grandchildren. It is not that you get to spoil the kids and turn them over to the parent and walk away. That is not it at all. It does at times feel good though.

No it is more like when you get your grandson to say “MIZ Go Tigers! “ Cammy’s mom and dad did not see the humor in our little cheer. Go figure.

No it is not even that. It is hard to explain, but I guess being a little older and wiser… you can stop laughing at anytime Erin. As I was saying being older and wiser you see the opportunity for a do over so to speak. Not in a negative way mind you. I am very proud of Steven and Erin and how they are raising Camden, and soon a second child.

Grandparents are there for advice when needed. As for me I still use the same game plan when my kids were little. “Go ask you mother” still goes a long way. Also I have to add that grandpas are great playmates.

If you are a soon to be grandparent I say congratulations and welcome to the club. It is hard for me to explain what you are going to experience. It will be one of the best feelings that you have ever had. It will rival any past experiences. Now it will not always be lollipops and candy canes, but what is. This is real life. Enjoy the ride.

Cammy, well he means the world to me. He brings so much joy. Just thinking of him makes me happy. Some days it is hard to be happy. He brings a smile to my face and warms my heart.

At times I have wondered how I am going to be able to hold everything together and move forward. Then I think of my moments with Cammy and I have a reason to live. I have a reason to fight. Those moments turn into beautiful memories.

I have had other memories in my life that I will forever cherish. Some of those memories have been with you. I think that there will be future experiences in my life that will also become great memories. I believe that some of those future moments could be with you. All I need is a little of your time, your precious time.

Every now and then I am able to make it back to the area in which I grew up. I will call it my “Homeland.” Monday the 15th I am again traveling back to that area. My plan is to be there seven or eight days. I have contacted several people who I will be spending time with during the week. I have others I hope to contact. I am sure that I will not be able to see everyone I want to see during this visit, which means there will be other trips. Unfortunately there will be some people that I will never see. That does not mean I do not think about you.

When I see you I want to see your smile, and of course I want a hug. We can talk about the past, present, and future. One thing I would prefer not to talk about, and that is cancer.

Another test was run last week. The results are available, but I have not asked. This is one time I do not want to know the results, at least not yet. I even moved my next doctor’s appointment to the 24th.

I moved the date so that I could go on vacation without having “Brutus” on my mind. So while on vacation I would not play over and over again in my mind just what they think is best for me. What they want me to do. I know the answer to that already. I have a very good idea what the test results will show. But if I do not see the doctor I can deny in my mind what is happening. They are going to want me back on medicine soon. I am still hoping to wait a little longer. I just want a little more time medicine free.

So if you live in the area of my Homeland or if you will be in Columbia for Homecoming maybe we will get to spend some time together.

If by chance you are on the road and you see a little red sports car pass you with Kansas tags well that might be me. I might be driving just a little fast. Not real fast… just a little fast.

I have places to go. I have people to see. I have memories to make. I do not want to waste time. See ya.

Kevin