Hey Camden, how are you doing today?  How is school?  Okay, Okay, I know you hate that question.  How was Halloween?  Did the Daddy Tax go up this year?  It was pretty high when your mom was a kid.  Those were some tough times in Kidville.  Just saying.

Camden, I know you are wondering, or maybe you are not wondering, why I have not written an essay in the last six months.  Some have asked.  Hey, has it been six months?  I guess I did not have anything to write about.  HAHAHA

Okay, much has been going on, and I am not short of essay topics.  Just where should I start in an attempt to catch up? 

Hey, let’s talk baseball.  I always like talking baseball. 

Camden, I know you, and I had tickets to see the Cards and Royals play this past May.

I hoped to hear the umpire yell, “Batter Up!”  

As a catcher, I heard that often as I grew up.

Then the rains came.  Sometimes the rain can temporarily change plans.  We will see other games.

In my last essay, I talked about getting the newest super-duper FDA-approved PSMA PET scan they were using at the KU Medical Center, soooo I probably need to touch on that.  The scan was not rained out.

I had scheduled the scan for when I was in KC.  I was going to see you.  We were going to watch baseball.  I was going to have the scan, and then Dave Pace and I planned on flying to San Francisco to see the Cards play the Giants.

Why San Francisco?  Well, we wanted to see, or I wanted to see, the Cardinals play in another city.  I had never been to San Francisco.  Now I have.  We will call the trip…Dave and Kev’s Great Adventure.

While preparing for this great adventure, I asked the cancer center to have one of the nurses call me with the results.  I knew that KU Med would have sent them the results while I was on my trip.

I knew what was happening.  My medical team knew what was happening.  We just needed confirmation.  The scan would help us decide what needed to be done. 

Camden, my body was telling me what the scan would find. 

I could feel that Brutus was growing.  My doubling time for the past year was now three months.  Damn!!  That is very fast.

So, Brutus, you think you are fast, do you?  Let me tell you that you are not as fast as Camden and I are eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream.  So take that.

That takes me to another ice cream related thought I need to talk about before getting back on topic.  Camden, I will talk about you now, so you do not have to pay attention if you do not want.  Here is the thought.

Erin told me that Camden was eating some chocolate ice cream one day, and he mentioned that chocolate ice cream was his favorite.  She told him that chocolate ice cream was also Papa’s favorite.  He said that he knew that.  He then added that liking chocolate ice cream must be in his DNA.

I laugh every time I tell that little story.  Damn that hurt.  I just slapped my knee.  Control yourself Kevin.  Sometimes I like going third person.  Now back to Dave and Kev’s Great Adventure.

I know everyone wants to hear the results of the scan, but that would put us too far ahead of what happened on the trip.  So calm down and have a bowl of ice cream.  Dr.Camden’s orders.

Now picture this, Dave and I are now on the airplane. 

While on the plane, I have my phone on airplane mode.  At least, I think I do.  Let me ask the person next to me how to do that. 

Do you have to put your phone on airplane mode?  Just asking.

I’m leavin’ on a jet plane, I don’t know when I’ll be back again. 

Okay, that is not entirely true. We were flying out on a Thursday.  It is a four-game series ending on Sunday.  We have tickets to the first three games.  We fly back Sunday. 

So when we landed in San Francisco, what do you think was the first thing we did? 

Yes, we checked into the hotel.  I am talking about after the hotel.  The fun stuff. 

Oh, by the way, the hotel was not even a block from the stadium. 

(Good job Kev…Third person)

Well, the first thing we did was go to the ball game.  We landed just a few hours before the first game started.  Did not miss the first pitch.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

We went to the game and cheered on a Cards win.  Made friends while there. 

We sat next to a man and his father.  The son currently lives and works in the St. Louis area.  He is from San Francisco.  He and his father have season tickets to the Giants games.  He flew from St. Louis to see the series.  He was a Giants fan.  I worked on him, but he was still a Giants fan when we left.

We left with the taste of victory.  We did not rub it in. 

I did not play; We Are The Champions on my phone as I usually do when I win a game of cards or beat Camden and Adalie in a game of Sorry.  Sorry, not Sorry.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

The fans there were very nice.  We had a great evening.  We appreciated their hospitality as much as the Cards appreciated those fastballs down the middle.

We were gracious winners.  Also, Camden, we were outnumbered. 

A man has got to pay attention to his surroundings and present situation. 

Be gracious unless you just beat KU.  I am sure your parents will tell you to ignore that one.

After celebrating the victory, we returned to our very close hotel.

The next morning my oncologist’s office called.

The nurse on the phone had the results.  She would not tell me anything on the phone.  She reminded me that I had an appointment with the doctor in a few days.  The doctor would then talk to me about the scan results.

She would fax the scan results to my hotel.  I gave her the fax number and notified the front desk.  I later went down to the desk and picked up the report.

The scan confirmed that Brutus had metastasized into my bones.  The area where I had been complaining of pain is where Brutus was located.

At least now I knew that I was not crazy.  That made me happy, but the happiness was short-lived.

I knew that now I would have to return to treatments.  I could no longer say no and tell myself I would be okay.  I knew before the scan that I would need to go back on the poison, but one can hope.

This was bad news.  Not insurmountable.  But bad.

It is what it is.

Another random thought Camden.  A teaching moment.  So to speak.

My Physical Therapist Jacqueline told me one day that the “It is what it is” statement was just a polite way of saying….”Shit Happens!” 

She then asked me if the exercise I was doing hurt.  Hell, yes, Jacqueline! 

Jacqueline let me know that sometimes when you jump out of airplanes…Shit Happens.  She is sooo right. 

Now back to San Francisco. 

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

I would read the report and then put it away.  Later I would take the report out and again put it away.  I am not sure how many times I did this.  Maybe I was hoping that something would change.  Maybe I was trying to make sense of…Shit Happens.

Dave asked me about the report sometime over the next few days.  I told him.  He said that did not sound good.  I agreed but added that it was going to be okay. 

I tell people that I am okay.

I tell people that I am going to be okay.

The truth is…those statements are false. 

I am not okay.  I will not be okay.  I will not be better.  I need a cure.

Without a cure…well all we can hope for is to manage Brutus better.  To slow his progression.  To ease the pain.

I do not think anyone knows what the best treatment protocol for me is at this time.  My doctors and all the other doctors in the world are very bright people, but you know they all practice medicine.

I do not know.  My doctors do not know.

If my medical team or I only knew what was going to work.  If we only knew how my body and Brutus would react to different treatments.

If I only knew what was coming.

To see the future would, of course, help everyone do everything.  No one knows the future.

Unless you are a catcher.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

Have I mentioned to you Camden that I was once a catcher?

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

Let’s go back to when I was eight years old.

The only thing I remember about being eight was playing baseball. 

Girls were not yet in the picture.  That was when I was nine.  When I started driving.

Anyway, when I was eight and had graduated from the second grade, we moved to the metropolis called Wellsville.  Population…hell, I do not know.  It was under 1000.  BR549 country. 

I knew no one.  I had not been in town long, so I signed up to play baseball.  You know, that see-the-world thing.  Or at least the DQs in a few neighboring towns.

When we met for our first team practice, the Manager, Don Poole, went over each position and asked who would like to play that position. 

When he asked who wanted to be the team catcher, no one spoke up.

That is when I stood up, puffed out my chest, and said I would be the team leader.  I would put on the so-called tools of ignorance and lead this team to victory after victory.

Okay, Okay, it did not quite go like that.  But I was thinking…

My thoughts were, hey; you are the new kid.  No one knows you.  If I wanted to play every game, this was my chance.  If no one else wanted to catch, then I would get to play.  I would wear the tools of ignorance.

That is how it happened.  I was not a first-round pick, so to speak.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

I was a catcher for the next ten years.  Through small-town summer ball, high school, and American Legion. 

Well, I caught American Legion when they let me.  When Randy was pitching, I was the catcher.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

I was his Yadier Molina, and he was my Adam Wainwright.  I do think Randy’s fastball was better.  Just saying.  Sorry, Wano.

Okay, let me further explain Camden.

Randy was one of the best pitchers I have ever seen or caught. 

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

He could hit as well.  He was Shohei Ohtani before Ohtani was born.

I guess the manager of the Legion team figured that I knew him better, so they asked me to tag along to be his catcher.

Catching Randy over the years, I noticed a few things.

His pitches overmatched the hitters.  They could not compete.  I felt bad for them.

He could throw that speedball by ya.  Make you look like a fool. 

My inner Springsteen.  Yes, those were Glory Days.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

I started talking to the hitters.  Beyond my full repertoire of chants on how bad the hitter was, we did have some casual conversation.

I might have asked if that was their sister sitting along the third baseline and if she would go out with me.  Hell, I knew she would.  We were all Bad Asses.

I did not tell them that if my dog was as ugly as them that I would shave his butt and make him walk backward.  No, I did none of that. 

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

Depending on the hitter, sometimes I tried to build up their confidence.  I told them that they could hit Randy.  They just needed to believe.  Hahaha

Hell, when that did not work, I told them what pitch was coming and what area it would be thrown.  Yes, yes, I did.

Randy had more pitches than I had fingers.  So we would have to decide which pitches he would throw before each game.  We usually used the following.

We had the curve that he threw at the hitter, but in the last second would break over the plate for a strike.  I liked that one.

We had the curve thrown down the middle of the plate that said hit me.  At the last second, it would break out of the strike zone.  The hitter would then have to pick himself up from swinging and missing.  I liked that one.

We had the drop ball.  Or was it a splitter?  Or was it a 12 to 6 curve?  Hell, I do not remember, but  I liked it.

Of course, he had the two-seam and four-seam fastballs with pinpoint control.  I liked that one, and I liked that one.

I would tell the batter.  Hey, he is going to throw a curve ball right at you.  Now do not worry; it will not hit you.  It will break over the plate.  Now hit it.

It never failed.  Each kid seeing that ball coming right toward them, bailed out.  The ball then broke over the plate for a strike.  I laughed my ass off.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

I never lied to a hitter.  When I shared info, I always told them the pitch and location. 

Can you believe that one day a batter asked the umpire to tell me to shut up?

Do not answer that question.

Would you believe that the umpire then told me to shut up?

That is how he said it.  He told me to….”Shut Up!”  We were on the road.

Geez!  I was just having a friendly conversation.

Here is the rest of that story.  No one ever got a hit from me telling them what was coming.  Thank God. 

Randy was big.  I was small. 

If someone had gotten a hold of a pitch and Randy found out I told him what was coming, he might have been pissed.  I do not remember if I told Randy I was giving his pitches away.  Well, now I have.

Now I was a little selective.  I did not tell every hitter what was coming.  Most, yes, most. 

No harm…no foul.

That brings me back to today.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

You see, there is harm in all my treatment options.  I do not know if they will work and if they work, I do not know how long they will work.  I do not know which is best.  I do not know which side effects I will experience.

A few days after arriving home from California, I will meet with my oncologist to discuss a game plan.

We have faced team Brutus before.  Doc has dealt with him more than I have. 

We will go over which members of the Brutus team cannot hit the curve.   Or lay off the high fastball. 

We will have gone over the data to provide me with the best care.  The best quality of life.

In my mind, when the day finally arrives, it will go something like this.

I will give the sign of the treatment to be administered.  The Doc cannot shake me off.

I will not tell Brutus what is coming.  He is far too strong of an opponent.  He will then swing and miss.  Just like missing a Randy curve.

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

That is how I see it.  Time will tell if my vision becomes a reality.

Those are my thoughts, Camden.  Talking baseball might be an easier way to help you understand my situation.  If not, your dad will explain the baseball.    Today I would rather not use medical terms and names for drugs I cannot spell.

I believe we will have more games to watch together.  We might even hear the umpire yell out the two words I yelled to Brutus. 

No, not those two words.  You have been listening to your mother too much.  These two words…

BATTER UP!

Love,

Papa

⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾

I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line
                       I used to think that everything was fine

All alone and trapped in time
                        All alone and trapped in time

Sometimes I’d sit and gaze for days through sleepless dreams

Well, hello, there, Camden.  You startled me.  Let me turn down the music.

Say what.  Oh, you want to know what I was listening to.

Let me tell you, Camden, I was listening to the World’s Greatest Band…Styx!!

Now some people will tell you that Styx is not the Greatest Band.  They might be right.  Once upon a time, there was a group called the Beatles.  I heard Yoko Ono exterminated them.  That might not be a fair/accurate statement, but some people.

Anyway, Camden, if you want to win “Dead Man Trivia,” Styx is the answer that the judges should accept.

I do wish Tommy Shaw and Dennis DeYoung could work out their problems.  Maybe they should call Saul.  No, not Yoko…Saul.  I would love for the band to get back together.  I would go to that concert.

But, I guess we all have problems, Camden.  Yes, I have a few. 

I keep thinking that things will get better. That my timeline will be extended.  Well, that has not happened, and things have gotten worse.

I try to stay positive in the face of terrible news, but it has been challenging. That lack of positive information has kept me from writing an update.  No one wants to hear a woe is Kevin story.

One positive thing that has happened in the past year and a half is that I am finally off the opioids.  They have finally found a drug combo that has helped me with pain.  A very high daily dose of Gabapentin along with a muscle relaxer helps.  I am not pain-free but can function. 

They did not like me using opioids at work—something about driving and carrying a gun.

I went out by myself to an interview at a school one day.  One of the interstates was the fastest way to get there.  So off I went.

I got a call from a co-worker while I was driving telling me to be careful because it was reported that someone was going the wrong way on the interstate.

I told them that it was not just one person going the wrong way. From what I could see, dozens and dozens of drivers were all going the wrong way. 

They would not let me go out on my own after that.

Okay, maybe that is not entirely true, but they no longer let me drive a city vehicle before I retired, and most of my duties were limited to the office.

I drove my own car from time to time, but when you hit about 40 mph, the wind negates you sticking your head out the window making siren sounds.  Oh well.

Yes, I retired.  More about that another time.  So that is the positive news. 

The bad news is that Brutus has been growing faster and faster.  My doubling time is now 2.4 months.  Not a doubling time that is conducive to a long life.

My doctors keep asking me to go back on the poisons.  I keep saying no.

My urologist sarcastically asked me: “Are you going to wait until you have tumors all over your body?!”

I think he was being sarcastic.

That might not be word for word what he said, but it is what he meant.

He asked a valid question. 

I do want to live.  We might have a different idea of the meaning of living.

Hold on, Camden, let me turn up the music for a moment.

I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
          Or am I even in it’s mind at all
Perhaps I’ll get a chance to look ahead and see
       Soon as I find myself a crystal ball
      Soon as I find myself a crystal ball

Hey, that is what I need.  A Crystal Ball.

I need a crystal ball to tell me if the treatments I am being asked to do will help with my goal of seeing more tomorrows.   

Tell me, tell me where I’m going
I don’t know where I’ve been
Tell me, tell me, won’t you tell me
     And then tell me again
My heart is breaking, my body’s aching
     And I don’t know where to go
Tell me, tell me, won’t you tell me
    I’ve just got to know

Camden, the doctors don’t know the answer to many questions.  They cannot tell me what would be the best treatments, but they often have a preference.

They know the research. 

They know the theory. 

Patients know the reality.  Patients live that reality. 

Often the theory and reality clash.  That usually adversely affects your quality of life.

What the patient wants to have is the best quality of life possible. 

I have found that my quality of life suffers both on and off treatments. Each way, you do not feel well, but they are different.  I guess that is just cancer.  Duhhhh.  I figured that out right now.  I am brilliant.

When off treatments, I feel more pain.  When on treatments, I feel sick.

Each is a trade-off on what you can do.  I find that I can better handle the pain.  At least with the proper medication.  It is getting more difficult.  Eventually, the pain and sickness will go together. 

So I know I have to go back on treatments very soon.  That doubling time is too fast to ignore.  I have one more delay tactic.

I asked that we wait until after my scan before starting the poisons.   

It is once again time for scans in May.

I have been following info on a new scan that had not yet been FDA-approved for the past year or so.  The PSMA PET CT-Scan.  The new best thing.  This scan might be worth the hype.

Prostate-Specific Membrane Antigen is a scan explicitly developed for prostate cancer.  Clinical trials found the scan to be much more accurate than other scans used to detect prostate cancer, and they found that the scan can identify the cancer cells when they are tiny.  The other available scans cannot find the smaller cancer cells most of the time.

When prostate cancer has metastasized, patients often hear that their disease is incurable.  The goal is to slow down the disease and give the patient the best quality of life possible.  That is where I currently find myself.

I have watched videos and read articles where doctors have used the word “Cure” when discussing the PSMA scan.

My understanding is that with this scan, prostate cancer that was thought to be incurable in the past might be curable.

Even if still not curable, I feel that this scan gives you the best ability to come up with a treatment plan that might be able to extend your life.  It will give the patient options he might not have had before this scan was developed and approved.

At least, that is my hope.

Drugs come out, but I never get my hopes up for the latest drug. 

Often they are just a slight variation of some other drug out there.  A drug that might be coming off patent.  So the Pharmaceutical Industrial Complex will develop this new and improved drug to take the place of the now generic drug so they can continue to charge you tens of thousands of dollars a month even though it might not be any better than the now fifty-dollar generic.

Camden, that is how I see it.  I could be wrong.  Lean a little closer; I want to whisper in your ear….”I don’t think so.”

This scan is different and has honestly gotten me excited about what the medical community might be able to do for me.

I had learned that the only place currently offering the scan in Kansas is at KU Medical Center in Kansas City.

So when I spoke to my urologist about the scan at KU, he talked to me about the cost and the possibility that my insurance company probably would not pay for the scan since it was so recently FDA approved.  Insurance companies like to drag their feet and deny, deny, deny coverage. 

The Insurance Industrial Complex is there to ensure profits for shareholders.  NOT to ensure your health.  Once again, just my opinion.

So I left my urologist’s office a little depressed that I would not be getting the new and improved scan.

Later I got to thinking.  Just how much does that scan cost.  So I called KU Med Center.

That much, huh.  If I sold my plasma for several years, I could get my money back.  Fifty years later, give or take a decade.

They gave me a ballpark figure of my cost if insurance did not pay for the scan. 

That did not seem that bad.  In the cancer world, the price quoted to me was a bargain for what benefit it might provide. 

Anyway, the scan would not cost as much as most of my other treatments and surgeries.  I had another cancer surgery a few months ago, and the hospital bill was over $100,000.  Insurance did pay for that.  Did I tell you how much I love my insurance company?  We are working on our relationship.

 Let me look in the checkbook.  Damn!! 

After checking the couches in the living room, Man Cave (basement), upstairs office where I am sitting and typing at my desk, I might have a down payment.

I also found some gum, two dog bones, and one Paw Patrol Character.  Not sure who he is, but he is here to save the day.

My next stop is my oncologist.

The doctor said:  Blah, blah, blah…Kevin, I am concerned with your doubling time.  It would help if you went on treatments.

Kevin said: “No.”

But it was a polite “No.”  I also told him that I understood that I would have to go back on the poison. 

I just let him know that I was going to KC to watch the Cards and Royals, and then I was getting on a plane to go to San Francisco to explore the area and, of course, watch the Giants get spanked by the Cards.  I wanted to wait until after that.

I also told him that I wanted him to call KU Med Center and order the PSMA PET CT-Scan.  I told him that I had talked with some lovely people at KU Med and that if insurance would not pay, I would.  He reminded me that I owed him money.  Doc, the check is in the mail.  (okay, maybe he did not say that, but I chuckled)

We agreed to meet again after the scan to decide what comes next.  Of course, the answer is Ice Cream.  I think ice cream would help.  Chemo bad.  Ice cream good.

When we meet, I will listen to his recommendations.  I will. 

Boy, I am getting tired of this whole thing. 

Today is May 1^st, and it is late in the evening.  Camden, I am no longer writing this prose at my desk.  I am sitting at your kitchen table typing right now.  Yes, just a few paragraphs ago, I was at my desk.  Now I am at your table.  I drive fast. See you in the morning.

Camden, here is my schedule for the next few days.

Monday, I will be with Adalie at Kidz Zone.  Sorry, you will not be able to make it will school and all.  We will have the evening.

On Tuesday, I have my scan.  Tuesday night, I will watch the Cards/Royals with Ron and Dave. 

On Wednesday, Camden, I will take you and your family to the Cards/Royals. 

On Thursday, I fly to San Francisco.   

While there, I expect a call from my oncologist with the scan results.  Hopefully, I will not feel like jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  But if I did, I would wear a parachute.

Once I return, I am going on treatment.  Yes, I will.  Honest.

I have done much better than my medical team thought I would in the last few years.

Now it is time for a new and different path than I have been taking. 

Perhaps this new scan will answer some of the questions I need to know. 

Crystal ball

There’s so many things I need to know
Crystal ball
There’s so many things I’ve got to know
Crystal ball

                                    Tell me please before I go

                                    Crystal ball

Maybe the PSMA PET CT-Scan can be…My Crystal Ball.

Later Camden.

Love Papa

Camden, fall is my favorite time of year. October is my favorite month. The leaves start to turn, and temperatures start to drop. You can enjoy the outdoors without sweating your ass off.

Another reason is that October is my birth month. I am getting older, but I am not getting old. The best is yet to come.

Even more important is that in October you have the baseball playoffs, college football and professional football all going on at the same time. The Cards are normally in the mix of the playoffs. We are spoiled fans.

I almost forgot that my St. Louis friends also have hockey. I tend to forget about hockey.

Camden let’s get back to baseball for a moment. A sport born in America. Not
Canada. Just saying. Before the wildcard game I bought tickets for the playoff series against the Giants. I was confident I would be extending my vacation. Well it did not work out. Next year is our year Camden. Yes, next year. Stub Hub owes me money so I will look into Opening Day 2022 tickets. Never been to Opening Day. That is something I need to do.

Anyway October will soon be over so I figured that I better get these photos out before I had to change the title.

I try to make the Tiger’s Homecoming game each year. Here are a few photos. Okay, more than a few. Sorry, Memory Maker had a mind of its own.

Camden let’s start with a little history. I once had a family of little Tigers. Here they are on the 26th of October 2002. For Homecoming that year we played the school that we shall not name. We kicked their ass. We should play them every Homecoming.

Camden here is the gang of 2021. Not everyone was able to make it this year. Now next year I expect more people. It was pointed out to me that 2022 will mark 40 years since graduation. Hope to see everyone at the Homecoming

Tailgate /Class Reunion.

Okay, I will try to get back on the Homecoming track.

Camden I have been making it back to Homecoming for…well a long time.

A few years ago I decided to make a week of it and spend time exploring my Homeland and seeing friends.

When I decided to do this I told a friend of my plan. My friend also happened to be my therapist. He asked me if I considered what I was going to do as my farewell tour.

I laughed and told him no that was not the case at all. I was a long way from having a farewell tour. I told him that it was more of a Get Reacquainted With Kev Tour. It would allow me to reconnect with friends. Just in case.

Camden I want to take you through part of this year’s trip. I am going to save my visit to my hometown for another day. It needs a post all its own. Over the years I have written that essay over and over. It is just not ready. Someday it will happen.

Let’s start with Thursday. Why Thursday? Well that is the day I took a walk around the university. Here we go.

Camden, Middlebush is where the business school was located when I was in college. It was where I had many of my classes. I would hangout just inside these doors. The business school no longer calls this building home. I went inside to look around. While hanging out beneath where the clock was once located a guy asked me to sign his notebook. He looked a little pale and was actually as white as a sheet. As he floated away I asked him his name. He said: Harry…Harry Hartel. He then disappeared. Could Middlebush be haunted? Well, it is October.

After walking out of the business school I headed toward the bookstore. I have not been there in a few years. My visits are normally expensive.

Once in the bookstore I took this picture. I thought what if I could get someone to turn the lights off behind the Tiger. So I asked. That was a mistake.

The lady listened to me. Then she asked who I worked for, and she wanted to know what I was going to do with the pictures I had taken. She asked to see my credentials.

She added that no one was allowed to take pictures inside the bookstore without getting permission and credentials. Credentials? We don’t need no stinking credentials. (Very old Mel Brooks reference)

Then I realized that this lady must think that I am a professional. I guess I should have used my iPhone. It actually does a decent job most of the time.

I tried to explain that I was just an alum in town for Homecoming. It was “Homecoming Week” I told her. She asked me to stop taking pictures.

I told her not to worry that I did not even have any film in the camera. Okay, maybe I did not think of that at the time. I wish I had. That would have been funny.

Or I should have told her that I was with Sports Illustrated and that I was in town to shoot the football game. After the game I would be on my way to an exotic location to shoot the next Swimsuit Addition. Hey, a guy can dream. Well, I did not think of that either.

So what did I do when she asked me to stop taking pictures. Well…

So Camden a couple of firsts happened to me on this visit to the bookstore. Number one is that I did not make a purchase. I always make a purchase. If nothing else I buy you something. That lady saved me some money.

The other first was that I got kicked out of the bookstore. Sort of, I guess. Well that is my story.

I was not going to wait around for someone to show up with handcuffs and give me an Honorary Degree in Stupidity. Or maybe they would just give me a sign.

You can bet that next year I will show up with credentials. As well as a good cover story. I hope I can find that same lady. I would like to tell her about my career with Sports Illustrated.

After leaving the bookstore I headed over to 9^th Street to see how the students had decorated the windows of the downtown businesses.

The Heidelberg. Interesting story about the Heidelberg Camden. It is the only bar where I have ever gotten sick my entire life. I was nineteen. I did make it to the bathroom. That gross piece of information might become helpful when playing Dead Man Trivia.

Have several more pictures, but this cannot go on forever so moving on.

Had dinner with my friend Vicki Thursday evening. Had not seen her in a couple of years. It was nice to catch up. Of course after dinner we went out for ice cream.

What did I do on Friday?

Spent the day with Mom, my brother Keith, and Uncle Jimmie in Mexico. The city not the country.

Friday night went back to campus to see the decorations and skits in Greek Town. Not as many people there as in the past. Damn Covid.

I could not stay at the Chi O house long. Had to get over to the Tri Sigma Sorority. My Niece Allison is a Freshman at MIZZOU this year and pledging Tri Sigma. Had to see the show.

As the evening wound down I headed over to Shakespeare’s to meet up with Dave. I cut through the Quad. Yes I stayed off the grass. I took a picture.

Camden, they told us that we had an hour wait to be seated at Shakespeare’s. So we went to Las Margaritas and had drinks. Dave called Shakespeare’s and ordered carryout. Pizza was ready in 20 minutes. Went to Shakespeare’s got our order and found an empty table. An hour wait my ass. We then called it a night. We are older. Also wiser. Maybe.

Camden when you are in Columbia checking out the university you have to eat at Shakespeare’s. The one on 9^th street.  Be sure to stop at Sparky’s for dessert. The Heidelberg is also a good place to eat and drink. You can skip getting sick in the restroom. Please.

It is now Saturday. Homecoming 2021. I needed to get up early to grab a parking spot for the parade. I did not. Damn!

Off to our tailgate location. Camden these are my friends from college. You saw the group picture earlier. I have known these good people for over forty years. One of them I have known much longer. I have known Dave since fourth grade. We have many stories. I am still collecting money from him to keep me from telling his daughters some of those stories. He bought the pizza.

Let me show you some pictures.

Steve and Kevin are responsible for organizing the tailgate and Kevin gets everyone tickets. Could not happen without them. They have not seen Dave.

Ron and I lived together for two years in college. One semester he borrowed one of my upper-level economics textbooks. At the end of the semester he sold my book back to the bookstore. He was a true capitalist. Buy low (or borrow) sell high.

Nanci and I never lived together.

Camden this is Natalie. She is Dave’s fourth and youngest daughter. I asked her if she had seen her dad. She had not. She did not seem to be upset about her dad being missing. I do not think she gets upset over anything. Very bubbly personality. I have known her since she was a baby. For a few years she and her family lived two blocks from me in Wichita.

Many Saturdays I would go out for a run and I would end up at her house. Dave would give me a beer and we watched football. After a beer or two or three I figured my run should be over by now so it was time to head home. I did not win any races that year.

Leslie and Kevin found Dave. He said that he had been here the entire time. Well except when the game started. He went to the game.

That must be why I could not find him. I did not go to the game. Stayed at the tailgate having fun visiting with Nanci.

Well the game is over and we won. Not sure we will win another game this year. Just not looking good.

The delicious food has been eaten and the area has been picked up. Tents taken down the coolers are empty. Dave has been found.

Camden, one year, maybe next year I can take you to Homecoming. I will have a talk with your parents.

Camden I had to deal with a bout of discomfort while with my friends. I am still trying to recover from my latest surgery. This one was difficult. I was unable to go to the game. I guess I could have, but I would have been miserable. I try not to let people see me when I feel that way. It has gotten more difficult to hide. Social media as we all know can be deceiving. People have not nor most likely will they ever see pictures when I am not well.

Well my Uber has arrived which means that it is time to leave. I will see you next week. I think we are going to stop somewhere and get a cat out of a tree.

Later.

Papa

What was the greatest day of your life?

Camden, I know that you are too young to yet answer that question.

But I am not.

Why am I even trying to answer that question?

Well, it is on one of my lists of writing prompt questions. Many of these questions involve self-reflection. Searching for my inner Oprah.

I have a few of these types of questions that I have answered. This one I have been avoiding. It is not that I do not want to answer the question. I would really like to know what I actually think on this topic. It is just which day do I choose and why? It is the why that is getting me.

I decided recently that I would seriously try to answer that question. I figured what the hell, if I had to be off work for over three weeks I might as well give it a shot.

Let’s start by taking a closer look at the question. Camden you can move back from the computer screen. You do not need to look at the question that close.

The question itself reminds me of the quote attributed to Mark Twain.

“The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you realized why you were born.”

Some say that Twain never said that. I do not care. Samuel was a Missouri boy so we will give him the credit.

Would it be easier to discover my greatest day if I realized why I was born?

But first I will have to ignore the obvious. My parent’s hormones got the best of them one night in the back seat of a Chevy. I need to look for a more philosophical reason for why I was born.

It has been written that humans are born to contribute. I think that I will try to run with that idea.

With that in mind do I pick out the greatest day that I might have contributed to society?

Would my greatest day encompass something I did? Money I donated?

Would I discover that my greatest day involved work, leisure, or philanthropy?

Am I over thinking this whole thing? Probably. That is what happens when I am off work for so long.

I started thinking about past work experiences that might fit the bill.

I wondered if it could be the day I stood in front of a man sitting on a couch while he held a gun to his head telling me that he was going to shoot himself.

No it was not that experience. That man did shoot himself. Therefore no one invited me to become a member of the crisis negotiation team.

The guy did live. So that was good. If you are wondering how he lived and what became of him, well that is an interesting story for another day.

Anyway that would not be my greatest day.

I thought of work-related rewards I had received. That review did not take awfully long. No, nothing there.

Moving to thoughts of my personal life. This must be where I will discover my greatest day.

Was it holding the door for the man at the post office who could not see over the top of his packages he was holding. No.

Was it saying hello and having a short conversation to a person I met on the street who really needed someone to notice that they actually existed. No.

Is it the money I have taken from each paycheck for the United Way. No, I am not Bill Gates so I do not see what I have donated really has anything to do with my greatest day.

Was it my wedding day. No, but I might be getting warm.

Was it the birth of my children. No, but almost.

After giving this much thought I have concluded that Erin’s wedding day was/is the greatest day of my life.

Now it has been brought to my attention that I might be trying to get myself out of the doghouse and back into her good graces since I recently had the littles dressed in Tiger clothing.

No that is not it. Maybe a little at first, but the more I thought about it I will stick with that being my greatest day. Let me explain.

I was having trouble choosing my greatest day. Then I started thinking that I was looking at this in the wrong way. My greatest day was not something that just happened. No my greatest day was the accumulation of many past days that when put together helped create what I might call my greatest day.

Your mom’s wedding is a snapshot in time to most, but to me it is the accumulation of my life.

I was in the room when she was born. I was there for her first cry. I cut the cord. I held her in my arms and looked at the tiny person we had created.

I watched her grow and mature into a wonderful, beautiful woman. She has always made me proud.

I would like to think that I played a role in the person she has become.

I remember all those evenings when I arrived home from work in the late evenings and walked into the house to be met by a screaming Erin who was refusing to sleep.

I would put her in the car, and we would go for a ride. She just wanted some dad time. When she got her fill, which sometimes did not take very long, back home we went.

As she grew we had many discussions and debates. Sometimes even arguments. Imagine that. You name a topic and we talked about it. Did not have Google back then so sometimes I had to produce answers off the top of my head. Not sure I was right all the time, but at least most of the time it worked. It’s just the weather Erin. (Inside Joke)

She grew up, while I grew out. Then one day she was all grown up.

In high school Steven started hanging out at my house wearing a Cardinals shirt. Smart kid.

Not sure when they started dating. I think Erin gave me a bogus birth certificate showing she was older than she was in order to go on dates with Steven. I cannot remember years and ages, or maybe I liked the kid.

After that, our time together started to diminish. We still had our talks. Just not as often.

Then came the day she told me that she was going to KU instead of the University of Missouri. Steven was going to KU. I should have seen that coming.

Then they got engaged.

A date was picked and plans were made. My contribution to all that I think was in helping plan the budget. I came up with a number I thought we should not exceed. It was a large sum of money. Others did not think so. I was fired. I still do not even know how much it actually cost. I think we were over budget. We survived. Looking back it was money well spent.

The week of the wedding Erin was home. We got to talk, reminisce, and laugh. Then I told her that I wanted to do one of those surprise wedding dances that Fathers have with their Daughter’s.

She laughed. Then she realized that I was really serious. She choreographed a dance. We only had a few days. We worked on it every night. I needed more time.  Not just more time to learn the dance, but more time with your mother.

Not many people knew that we had a dance surprise. It was fun. I still remember it very well.

I remember the dance, and I remember that week. A week of reminiscing about the past and talking about the future.

I knew that soon I would be walking her down the aisle. I would be giving her away.

Giving her away?

Camden it is a custom dating back to…hell I do not know. A long time ago when the daughter was considered property of the father. Glad we have evolved. I like to think that it was a way for us to show our blessing.

It was a week that I knew would someday happen. A week to make more Father and Daughter memories. I realized that our relationship would change a little. I realized that she was leaving her childhood family to begin a family of her own.

While walking your beautiful mother down the aisle I was fulfilling one of my destinies so to speak. I was completing one of my commitments as a father. She will no longer live in my home but will forever remain a huge part of my life.

We raised her. We loved her. Now it was time for her to start her own family.

I had the privilege of the last walk with Erin Brown.  Steven had the privilege of the first walk with Erin Heger.

Happy 10^th Anniversary Erin and Steven Heger.

The 8^th day of October 2011 was a day that reminded me of what truly matters. It was the GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

For without that day, we would not have this day.

Camden, I recently took a trip to St. Louis to visit friends.  I was only there one day.  It was a great time, and I do wish I could have stayed longer.  Maybe next time?

Getting there means that I drove through some Homeland.  Now I did not have the time this trip to stop and see everyone that I would really like to see.  So, if you are reading this and you are one of those people I hope that you forgive me for not letting you know I was in the area.  My plan is to return in October for Homecoming.  Not sure if I will be there the week before or the week after Homecoming.  I need to check with a friend to find out which week works best for her busy life and travel plans.  I will let you know.

Camden I did take the time to stop and see my mom.  She did not know that I was coming.  Yes, she was surprised, and at first not very happy.  Maybe a little pissed.  But hey, who could stay pissed at the charming guy that I am for very long?  Do not answer that question!

I did call her when I took the Kingdom City/Fulton exit off of I-70 headed toward Mexico.  Missouri, not the country.  I wanted to make sure she was going to be home and not a doctor’s visit or something else important.  So technically I did give her advanced notice.  What, maybe twenty minutes or so?

At lunchtime, I called Pizza Hut.  They delivered the pizza, breadsticks, sauce, and pop.  Or was it soda?  Or soda-pop? 

Hell, it was Pepsi.  Diet of course.  Mom is watching her figure. 

Of course I had pineapple on the pizza.  Pineapple does belong on pizza.  Just saying. 

My plan worked Camden. 

I did not want mom to go to a lot of trouble.  I did not want her to fix a big meal with three pies and ice cream.  We spent the day talking and going through photo albums. 

She forgave me for the lack of notice. 

I forgave her for no ice cream in the frig.  Hey if you are going to surprise her you get what you get.  I should have asked Pizza Hut to run by Dairy Queen for me.  Next time.

The picture you see here is of me and Uncle Keith on a pony, found in one of those photo albums.  I now have that photo.  I slid it up my sleeve.  The same sleeve where I keep the aces when playing cards.  Do not tell your mom!!  I did tell your great-grandmother that I was taking the photo. 

Along with a few others I found. 

Still do not tell your mom about the cards.  We will keep it between you and me.

Now getting back to the picture.  We are sitting on a pony at my grandpa’s farm.  He would be your great-great-grandfather.   

When we were young grandpa always had a Shetland pony or two as well as other ponies at the farm for us to ride.    

In addition to the row crops, he planted he had cattle and hogs on the farm.  He also from time to time would buy young unbroken ponies and break them.  He would then sell them.  

I will have to explain to you in another essay what I mean by breaking them, and how it was done. 

Basically, he would train the horse so that it could be ridden.  There were always several ponies to choose from to ride when visiting.  Most often the ponies did not stay long after they were trained for riding.  

Grandpa had two ponies that were permanent residents.  High Socks and Lady Bird were the oldest and permanent residents on the farm.  High Socks was auburn color with a black mane and he had white hair running way up each leg that looked like high socks. 

Lady Bird was black and white in color. 

I do not remember how she got her name. 

It would have been the period of President Johnson and First Lady:  Lady Bird Johnson.   Yes, I would imagine that is where it came from.  He also had a Shetland pony that was kept for several years for Keith and me to ride.  

A horse and a pony are different.  Ponies are not baby horses.  Both are measured in hands and a full-grown pony will be shorter than a horse.  He raised ponies.  They looked pretty big to me.  

I am not going to get into it any deeper than that.  I am not an expert and there are exceptions to the is it a horse or a pony rule. 

Nothing is ever easy.  

Take another look at the picture.  We are so cute on that little pony.  

I could not remember the name of the pony.  Nor could I remember the name of the pony that kicked me.  

The only person who could provide me with that information was my uncle.  My dad’s brother.  Mom had given me his phone number a few years ago.  He told her to tell me to call him if I ever wanted to talk. 

Like me, my father, and my grandfather, my uncle also had prostate cancer.  

I decided to call my uncle and talk.  I wanted the names of the ponies.

I dug through my sock drawer and found his number.  I keep many things in my sock drawer.  I will have to talk more about my sock drawer another time.

When I called we talked for a long, long time.  I had not seen my uncle or talked to him in over thirty-two years.  The last time I saw him Camden was right after your mom was born.  So it has been a while.  

We talked about memories from the farm.  We talked about grandma and grandpa.  He filled me in on his life and his two sons.  We talked about my dad.   

I described the picture to him and he told me that “Honey” was the name of the pony that Keith and I were on.  He also told me that “Brown Beauty” was the name of the pony that kicked me. 

Camden, I will give you a little background here and tell you that when I was young I had a fear of walking or standing behind any pony or horse.  I still do.  I do not think anyone should spend much time behind them.  You should pass through that area quickly.  Just my opinion.

I came to that opinion while watching grandpa breaking/taming ponies.  I saw them stand on their hind legs in defiance.   I saw them kick.  I wanted no part of being behind them.  

My uncle decided one day that he was going to help me overcome my fear of standing and walking behind the ponies.  Surprisingly I remember more of the incident than I thought I would.  I do not remember anything after I was kicked. 

This is what I remember.

After refusing over and over again he finally convinced me to stand directly behind Brown Beauty.  I was still not totally sure that this was a place I should be standing so I made sure that I was several feet back.

Once I was there my uncle went into the next stage of his plan. He hit that pony on her ass as hard as he could with his bare hand.  What happened next was not part of his plan.  

The pony kicked.  Brown Beauty kicked with both legs.  Imagine that dear uncle!  

Now this pony was not very tall.  I was seven years old so neither was I.  She tattooed my forehead with both of her hooves.  I went flying backward and hit the ground.

These are the words that my uncle used when he described what he saw.

“When you hit the ground I thought you were dead.”  

I did not ask how he was going to explain that to my parents.  I should have.  He continued talking.

“The pony’s legs were extended straight out so you were far enough back that you did not get the full force.  If you had been standing a quarter of an inch closer you would have been killed.”

My family was a little upset with my uncle.  Just a little.

I was taken to see a doctor in the little bitty town of Laddonia.  Now I would imagine that Laddonia might no longer have a doctor’s office, but 54 years ago they did.  

I have no memory of this so I will kind of wing it.  The doctor said, “Huh.  I think he is going to live.” 

That is when I told everyone present that I was one bad mother …  I heard someone sing, “Shut your mouth.” The legend of Kevin/Shaft Brown then started growing in my scrambled mind.  Actually, I think that was pre-Shaft, but we will overlook that minor detail.  I am not working for the New York Times.  Not yet. 

(I know most people will not get the Shaft reference, but I laughed)

I imagine the doctor mentioned that chocolate ice cream cures everything so I should eat plenty.  I believe that he was the original Team Kev doc. 

Wait a minute, Brutus just kicked me in a rib so I guess I should say that it cures almost everything.  Maybe I have not yet eaten enough?  That is my theory.  I am a walking chocolate ice cream clinical trial.

So since the title of this essay is “Forgiveness,” I guess we might want to talk a little about that here. 

Mom forgave me for not giving her much-advanced notice before showing up at her house.  But as Forgiveness goes that is a very minor situation.   It was more of an apology I gave her for not calling at least five minutes sooner.  An apology and a person feeling they need to be forgiven or a person who feels they need to forgive are two different things in my scrambled mind.  Brown Beauty messed with my brain. 

Regarding the pony taking me out in round one, is there a reason to forgive?  Maybe, I really do not know.  So let me ask a few questions.

Did my uncle intend for the pony to kick me?  I do not think that he did.  Brown Beauty was supposed to be a calm and gentle pony, but I guess no one had smacked her ass to actually find out.  Now we know. 

Did something bad happen as a result of his actions?  Yes, yes it was bad.  I am still trying to get some mileage out of what happened.  You should hear me tell the story when I explain that I was attacked by a man-eating ferocious wild Shetland pony stallion and lived to talk about it.  Shoot low boys, they are riding Shetlands.  But I digress.  I do that often.  Time to get back on (the horse) track.  I am so fucking funny.  No comments, please.

Did things return to normal? 

I think they did.  I had no additional medical issues. 

Did I get an apology or I am sorry from my uncle?  I do not remember.  I was seven with a scrambled brain.  Well, no harm no foul.  Life continued and I did not hate or dislike my Uncle.  So I guess I forgave him.   

I still to this day do not like walking behind a pony or horse.  If you ask me to stand behind one I might do it, but I will be in the next zip code.

I will not go over everything we talked about or else this essay is going to be way too long. 

Let’s move onto our discussion of his cancer.

From our talk, this is what I understand.

Once his dad and then his brother were diagnosed with prostate cancer he knew that he was at a very high risk of one day being diagnosed with the disease.  He knew that it would be very important for the disease to be found early.  He also knew that his two sons needed to be told of their risks and be checked frequently.

It was discovered from his regular test that his PSA had risen to a level where they needed to perform a biopsy.  The biopsy confirmed that he had prostate cancer with a Gleason score of 8.  That is considered to be aggressive cancer. 

My cancer was Gleason 8.  Gleason 8 often kills if not caught early.

He opted for surgery. 

His test following surgery showed no evidence of disease.  He continued to get regular checks and is still checked, just not as often.  He has been told that he is cured.   

His only medical treatment was the one surgery.  He did not need additional surgeries.  He did not need radiation.  He did not have poisons injected into his body.  He did not need to take pills day and night.  He did not feel sick.  He has not dealt with pain.

His story should have been my story, but it is not.  Mine unfortunately is the latter.  Not knowing what he knew has unfortunately led to much pain and suffering.  

Physically and mentally.

He asked about my cancer. 

I walked him through everything. 

Everything that has happened and what my future looked like.

Camden when I decided to call my uncle I knew that besides talking about the ponies and other old memories that at some point I would ask him Why no one had ever contacted Keith or me to inform us of our higher cancer risk.  I did ask.

The conversation was very informative.  It was not very pleasant.  It hurt.

After talking with family I have decided not to post what I learned and the details of our conversation at this time.  

One day it will be posted. 

It has to be posted.  I think it explains the reason I am in my current situation.

I am thinking that it will be posted after I am gone.  So don’t be in a big hurry.  I hope you have to wait a long, long, long, time. 

Leaving that part out makes this essay feel incomplete.  Messes with the title.  I do not feel like writing this whole thing over using a different slant.  This is like the sixth time I have changed this essay. 

So since this essay is titled “Forgiveness” I will just add that none was given.

So who can I Forgive to leave this essay on a more positive note?  First of all, I have Forgiven myself.  Who else can I Forgive?  Hold on I am thinking.  Yes, yes I know.

Brown Beauty, I Forgive you for kicking me in the head.  Now I can move on.

Later Camden.

Love

Papa

June is Gay PRIDE month, and today June 28^th is GAY PRIDE DAY.  I think today would be the right time for me to come out of my closet.  No, I am not gay.  That is not what I have been hiding.  What some do not know, but will now, is that I am the father of a gay child.  It is time to share a little of that story.

For the past six years I have not been completely truthful with friends and family.  It is not that I would lie, I would not fully disclose or would find a way to talk around a question.  I was lying by omission.  Now time for some background information.

Amy was home for spring break her sophomore year of college.  In a month she would turn 20.  She is now 26.

We had gathered in the kitchen and Amy pulled out an exceptionally large chocolate chip cookie she had hidden in the oven.  Amy purchased the cookie at a local bakery and the baker wrote two words on the cookie.  When Amy was leaving the bakery one of the employees said to her, “Good luck.”

Amy placed the cookie on the table where her mother and I sat.  The words on the cookie in pink icing were, “I’m Gay.”

Now you might be on the edge of your seat wondering what happened next.  I know I am.  Wait a minute I was there.  Okay let me get back on track here, now where was I.  I am now looking up to the ceiling, hand on my chin with an “I am thinking hard” expression on my face as I search my memory.  I know you are visualizing that right now.

Did we get mad?  Did we yell?  Did I disown my daughter?  We did none of those things.  We looked at her and told her that we were wondering when she was going to feel comfortable enough to tell us.  We knew.

You are wondering how we knew.  Amy wondered too.  Did we find a diary?  Did we overhear a conversation?  What had us thinking our daughter was gay?

That is a hard question to answer.  I am not sure I have anything I can pinpoint and say that was what did it.  I believe it was the totality of everything we were observing while she was in high school.

One day Christy and I had a conversation about the possibility that Amy might be gay.  I do not remember who first brought it up, but we both realized that might be the case.  Over the next few years, we talked about it from time to time.  It did not dominate our lives.   

We had decided that we were not going to push or pry.  We were not going to ask her questions.  We realized that when she was ready she would tell us.  We were waiting for that day.  So, when the cookie was placed on the table we were not surprised. 

We explained that we knew.  We wondered what had taken her so long for her to tell us.  We let her know that we loved her.  Her being gay would not change that. 

Amy had come equipped with pamphlets for us to read just in case we went into shock.  We did not need the pamphlets.  Amy was relieved.   

Amy explained that she was in a relationship with another woman.  We already knew that too.  The young lady she was seeing grew up with Amy.  So, she grew up with us.  She was at our house often.  It was like having another daughter.

Amy asked that we not tell other people at this time.  She explained that her partner’s family did not know their sexual orientation.  We live in a small slice of a big town.  You do not know who knows who.  I wanted to respect their wishes.  I wanted the young lady to be able to disclose to her parents when she was ready and not hear it from someone who knew about Amy. 

It was at that time that I went into my mental gay closet.  While in there I was thinking that someone should have made this closet a little bigger.  I was finding all kinds of issues in here that I did not want to face, and they were taking up a lot of room. 

I guess I should have started this blog years ago or at least a journal.  Writing is good therapy.  I have also learned that i comes before e, most of the time, and did you know that y is sometimes considered a vowel.  Blew my mind.  You can learn a lot about yourself with a journal, and you can also learn English.  Thank you spell check and all of my grammar checkers. (Family).  Okay, let’s not call it a journal.  That sounds so gay.  Damn, I gotta change and stop saying that. 

I soon realized that other things were also going to change.  Our vision of the future of our family and Amy’s life changed.  I understood that Amy was not going to find a nice boy and settle down in the suburbs where she would raise her family of two and a half kids.  Do you actually know of anyone with two and a half kids?  Me neither.  Her husband would not be asking me to taste his latest home brew.  Which is actually okay because I do not like most of that shit.  Bud Light please.

I guess what I am badly trying to say is that we all (I think) have visions of what our children’s lives might look like.  Do those visions come to fruition?  Sometimes maybe.  Most of the time probably not.  My dreams changed but not that much. 

My dream that she be happy has not changed.  My dream that I would always be part of her life has not change.  My dream that I would be there for her when needed has not changed. 

Many of my dreams remained.  But now I had new fears. 

I feared how people would react to her coming out.  Would they be supportive?  Would they tell me about gay conversion therapy?  Would they condemn her and what they call her “lifestyle?”  Would she be seen as a second-class citizen and treated that way or worse by religious fanatics or by her own government?   Would I need to fear for her physical safety?  Would she be disowned by some family or some friends?

This loss of family and friends was not only something I feared for her, but trying to be brutally honest here, I also had that fear for myself.

So, when Amy told us not to share her disclosure with others, I might have felt relief.  That meant that I would not have to have what might be a difficult conversation with others.  I would not need to defend my parenting.  I would not need to explain that no she did not turn gay.  She is gay.  I would not need to explain that no this is not a choice she has made.  This is her.  And I love her.

Love is the answer to most questions.  Okay maybe not the complete answer, but as long as love is involved you can get through the difficult times.  As long as you feel loved and share love you are doing what you were put on this earth to do.  Think about that. 

Over the last six years I have been doing a lot of thinking and now I think it is time for me to completely exit my closet.  A few years ago, Amy told me that her gayness no longer needed to be kept a secret.  The woman she was seeing had disclosed to her family.  Since then, I have been slowly coming out.  A little disclosure here and a little disclosure there.  

Most of our family members are aware.  Not all but most.  Many of my friends know, but again not all.  So, I have taken this opportunity to write this essay to tell all.  I feel so Joan Collins.

In telling it here I realize that moving forward I will need to change.  When asked if Amy has met any nice men, I am no longer going to say that she really is more career motivated at this time.  Which she is very career motivated, but I am not really being truthful in my answer.  I will now disclose that Amy is gay.  It might go something like this: “I imagine Amy has met many nice men.  But none that really interest her.  Have I not told you that Amy is gay?”  The conversation might then begin.

During these conversations I am willing to answer any questions.  All I ask is that you do not hate.   If hate is what will fill your heart when talking about gay people, then our conversation will be short.  Remember two things:  Number one is that Love is Beautiful and secondly remember what is written on this man’s shirt.

I am no longer worried about losing relationships with family or friends.  I really do not think that will happen.  But if it does, I am okay with that because my relationship with my daughter means much more to me than my relationship with you. 

I shared with Amy that I would be writing this essay.  I also had a few questions for her that needed updated answers.  Time can change your perspective.  I sent her the questions and she sent me her answers.  Here they are:

Why did it take so long to tell us?

It took me a long time to realize it for myself. I wasn’t comfortable with being “different” for a while. It was a long process reimagining what my life was going to look like, and it was different from everyone else in the family. Once I came to terms with that on my own, I knew I needed to tell you guys. I think that’s something many parents don’t realize. By the time your child comes to you and comes out, they’ve been out at sea alone trying to find who they are (and sometimes fighting it). It was a long journey I had to face alone before I could share it with you all.

Were you scared to tell us and why?

I understood that the dreams you all had for me would look different. I knew it would be a process for you guys to come to terms with it. I wasn’t afraid of telling you all I was gay.  I was more afraid of breaking your hearts and asking you to rethink everything you dreamed of for me. I always wanted to make you guys proud, and even though I know now this isn’t the case, it felt like I was letting you guys down.

I know now (and I knew deep down then), that it isn’t a letdown. If anything, I know you’re proud and it means the world.

How did you think we would react?

I knew you would react lovingly. I honestly thought you guys would have more questions than you did. I didn’t expect that you all would already know. It was relieving!

How did you feel about how we reacted?

You guys reacted perfectly. I can’t explain how lucky I feel to of had such a great coming out experience with my parents. I left the table feeling loved and seen. I wish more kids had that same experience. I think my confidence and independence when it comes to my sexuality has a lot to do with the household I grew up in. I was always taught to be my authentic self. The world would be a better place if kids everywhere came out to parents like mine.

—————————————————————————————————–
If you are a parent of a gay child I hope that something I have said or Amy has said might help you.  I hope that if not now then someday, you will have a great relationship with your child.   We are all individuals and deal with what life throws at us in different ways.  Sit down and have the needed conversations.  Do not go through life with regrets.

Regrets, well like Frank I have had a few, but then again too few to mention.   I have had one really big regret in my life which I will not go into at this time, but not having a relationship with my children will not become another one. 

I will be with Amy this 4^th of July weekend.  We are once again headed to Table Rock.  When I see her, I will give her a big hug.  I am proud of the person she has become.  I will show my PRIDE.

Love is Beautiful.

Kevin

Camden, that was the question I asked a few of my friends this past week.  I recorded their answers along with their telling of a dad joke.  I put the video on Facebook.  I did not answer that question on the video.  I will try to do that now.  

I have enjoyed watching my three children grow from the tiny people I held in my hands into wonderful adults who at times need a dad hug.  Or dad needs the hug.  That is most often the case.

I have enjoyed watching them reach different milestones in their development.  Their first steps.  Their first words.  A lot of words.  Very loud words at times.  They get that from their mother, grandmother, great grandmother etc.  If you know my family you understand.

I think of the small role I have played in what they have become.  That makes me smile.

Looking back over the years, I would describe my Fatherhood years as practicing.  

Fatherhood is somewhat like being a doctor in some respects.  They practice medicine, not really knowing if what they are doing is going to work for their patients.  I get that really well.  

Fatherhood is similar.  Over the years, I practiced being a Father hoping that what I said and modeled might have been the correct thing for that moment.  When the kids needed something, I hoped that I would be able to lay down some knowledge.   Or if not maybe bullshit my way through the situation well enough that we both actually learned something.  I wish Google or Siri had been around.  

Camden, if you have not caught on, as I was watching my children grow into adulthood, they were watching me grow into Fatherhood.  Who benefits the most from that?  Well grandchildren of course.  

Camden, you and Adalie are the benefactors of a well-oiled, (old), Grand Fatherhood machine.  I am just not quite as agile.  I realize that I may not be as good as I once was, but I am as good once as I ever was.  Camden I am sure Gaga will roll her eyes. (Thanks Toby)

Doctors have what they call a residency where they learn to be, well they learn to be doctors.  I grew up in a residence (see I told you they were similar) where I was supposed to learn to be a father.   Well, I will not go into that here today.  Let’s just say I learned by watching other fathers and by trial and error.  A lot of trial and error.  Fathers unlike doctors are not licensed.

Many a teaching moment would present itself while with one of the kids or all three of them while eating ice cream.  I loved those moments of talking and answering their questions, and of course eating ice cream.

There were other times I practiced being a Father besides when we were eating ice cream, but they all had something in common.  Love is what they had in common.  No matter what the problem we had to face they knew that I loved them.

It was those times of sharing.  Those times of counseling.  Those times of fun that I enjoyed.  Still do.

One Sunday after church we went out to lunch.  (Yes at one time I went to church) We were at a restaurant where they had great chocolate shakes.  Imagine that.

When they saw our family of five, and how young the children were, they found a table for us that was actually a distance away from other diners.  I did not blame them.  I actually kind of liked being away from others.

Only one table, which was a few tables away from us, was occupied.  There sat an older couple.  I would have said elderly, but I have stopped using that word.  No one better call me elderly.

We ordered our food which included chocolate shakes for everyone.  Of course, we four kids found a way to have even more fun with our shakes.  Someone, I am not saying who, because I do not remember, started blowing into their straw which of course caused the ice cream to bubble.  Okay, probably me, and if not then Justin.  

You could see the bubbles through the clear glass.  Everyone then became bubble blowers.  The bubbles would eventually pop.  The ice cream sometimes would go flying out of the glass, and we would laugh.  We were making a little mess.  We did this many, many times so we were a little loud.  Did I mention that my family was loud?

I noticed the older couple kept looking at us and I was concerned that we might have been too loud which was keeping them from enjoying their lunch.  We finished before them and as the family walked away from the table l lagged behind.  I approached the couple and apologized to them for disturbing their lunch.

It has been many years, but I will never forget what the man said to me.  He let me know that we were not disturbing him and his wife.  They kept looking over at us because: “We were enjoying watching you enjoy your kids.”  

His words made me feel that maybe, just maybe I was doing this dad thing right.