‘I’m Ready’, that was the name of the song that Pandora decided to play during my usual morning workout. It was sandwiched between a Linkin Park song and one by Breaking Benjamin, which are my normal morning pump up jams.
Why did Pandora pick a song by Nikyee Heaton? A woman I have never heard of nor have I knowingly listened to her music.
But instead of changing the song I wiped the sweat from my forehead and found myself listening to the words. I tried to figure out why Pandora had chosen this song for me.
Did Pandora know that I have stage 4 cancer? Did Pandora know that prior to turning on the music for my workout I had been in the bathroom vomiting?
Not sure if my morning nausea is caused by my medications or from stress. I guess it does not matter.
Did Pandora know that after my surgery my post op tests were bad? I was told that the surgery was not as successful as hoped and later scans showed that the disease had spread. I would need radiation and drug treatments.
Did Pandora know that my radiation treatments were over and that today I was going to my doctor’s office for post radiation testing? Did Pandora understand the anxiety I had been feeling the last few days? Did Pandora realize that I was not sure if I was ready to deal with cancer today?
I do not know what Pandora knew, but I do know that song she chose for me was about resilience, and that was something I needed more of that morning.
I listened to the words, but what caught most of my attention was the song title on the TV screen. I’m Ready. But was I? It was as if Pandora was challenging me to get ready to face this disease another day. Challenge accepted!
I started moving faster on my elliptical, pumped out more pushups, and threw around that 100 pound dumbbell with more gusto. Okay take away 90 pounds from the dumbbell. Once finished it was time for a shower and then a drive to the other side of town for my test.
When I arrived at my doctor’s office that morning I spoke to Teresa. Teresa would be taking my blood sample and we talked about the results of my last test as well as the many different treatments I have had since. We talked about how those treatments and the drug therapies would hopefully have a positive impact on today’s test. We spoke about the type of results we might expect.
I talked to Teresa about the anxiety I had been feeling the last several days. But at that moment — as I sat in the chair waiting on her to take my sample a calmness came over me that I had not felt in some time. I felt peace.
I knew that no matter what the results, we had plan A, B, and if needed C. We hoped for the best, but knew we could deal with the worst.
Teresa paused before putting the needle into my arm. We looked at each other and I said, “I’m ready.”
Trying to live in reality