December | 2017 | Dear Camden

Let’s just address the reason for this blog right up front. I have stage 4 prostate cancer. They tell me that the cancer has advanced too far and is not curable, and that fucking sucks.

Let me explain my word choice. You see if you are going to be a reader of this blog you will need to be sure that you have your big boy/girl panties on because I plan on using big boy words. As for me I wear my big boy Depends. Prostate surgery and incontinence you know. That radiation did a hell of a number on me as well. Fuckers!

Anyway I find that the F word can be used to help explain many things. I use the word as a noun, verb, and adjective. So you will probably see it from time to time.

Moving on: Okay Kevin you have cancer, why the blog?

I am writing for a couple of reasons: One I find it to be a form of therapy. I talk to myself a lot and if you are a writer you get to answer. The second reason is for my three children and grandson and any future grandchildren.

My kids are adults and have moved on with their lives. My home will always be their home. The job of a father is never over, but I do not have the influence nor do they need me like they once did. And that is good. With the kids we have memories that they will have for the rest of their lives. If things turn ugly we have had our time together.

With Camden it is a different story. Camden is my two-year-old grandson. I love him more than I can ever explain. My greatest fear in all of this cancer shit is that my time will come before he has had the opportunity to form lasting memories of our relationship. I can only remember bits and pieces of when I was say five, six, seven, or eight years old. I would imagine that his future memory of what was going on in his life at that age will be cloudy as well.

So I take videos with him as often as possible, and you will see those here and on Facebook. I will use this blog to say things to him that maybe he will be able to look over in the future and smile. I hope, I hope, I hope, that maybe something will happen to change things and Cammy and I will be able to sit down together and read over these pages years from now and laugh. Unfortunately that is most likely not going to happen. So these pages will be my branches that I am leaving behind for Cammy.

I read a story many years ago that stuck with me. In that story a son was taking his mother up a mountain to die. As he carried her up the mountain she would grab branches from the trees and drop them onto the forest floor. The son asked her why she was doing that and she explained: We are going up the mountain together, but you will be coming back down alone. These branches are to help you find your way.

Maybe something I say here will help my family find their way in a world without me. I hope that is not anytime soon. But as I have always said you gotta be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

You will be learning a lot about me here on these pages. I will try to be as open as possible and that is really hard because that is not me. I will be talking about my hopes and fears, and at times that might get uncomfortable for me or you. If that turns out to be the case and you feel that I am providing TMI, I ask that you stop following the blog.

I hope to also help others with cancer. I will be talking about my treatments, doctors, and insurance companies. I guess the entire medical establishment.

For those of you who decide to check in from time to time all I can say is strap on your seat-belts, you are in for a hell of a ride!

You will learn that another reason for the blog is just to get myself to laugh. You might laugh along with me. I will probable laugh harder, according to my kids.

So that is kind of an intro to what you will find here. Oh I almost forgot. I probably need to introduce myself in case someone finds their way to this page through a Google search because they also have cancer. Welcome.

My name is Kevin Brown and I am 58 years old. I am the father of three and husband of one. I am a cancer patient and I will forever be a cancer patient.

Until next time keep on Living…Loving…Laughing.

-Kevin

“Time is shortening. But every day that I challenge this cancer and survive is a victory for me.”
-Ingrid Bergman

Around Thanksgiving through Christmas you see lists made by people describing what they are thankful for. In the past I have not really done much inner reflecting on what I am or should be thankful for. But I have found myself thinking about what all has happened this past year and realized that I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Not just during the holidays, but things that I need to be thankful for each and every day. So today I am going to talk about one of the things that I am thankful for.

Ice cream, yes ice cream; I am thankful for ice cream. You are probably thinking: What the hell Kevin, you started off with what seemed to be a serious topic and now you want to talk about ice cream. Bear with me. There is more.

Most kids like ice cream, right? I spent a lot of time with my kids eating ice cream at home, at the Dairy Queen, Braum’s, Jimmy’s Diner, Wendy’s, Baskin Robbins etc.

I remember being at a restaurant and they had put us in an area off by ourselves (smart people) except for one older couple we had the area all to ourselves.

We were having shakes and the kids decided that it would be fun to blow into the straws and watch the shake explode. We were having a good messy time. We laughed and laughed and were very loud. I noticed the couple watching us. I walked over to them and apologized for being so loud. The man said that they were not concerned about the noise. He and his wife said that they were just enjoying watching us have so much fun with the kids. I am thankful for ice cream.

My girls danced on their high school dance teams and after most football and basketball games we would end up at an ice cream store. No matter if I was with Erin or Amy we always had at least a couple of their friends. Their friends learned to love, no I should say like, no I should say tolerate, yes tolerate sports talk radio on our drives to the ice cream store. When I see McKenzie, one of Amy’s high school friends, we still talk about listening to sports talk radio.

Once at the store we would have our ice cream often with what I called victory sprinkles. You know the little candies you put on top of ice cream after a win or even after a loss. No matter the outcome we deserved victory sprinkles. We would talk and laugh. I learned a lot about what was going on in my girls’ lives while at the ice cream store. I am thankful for ice cream.

Erin and I enjoying some victory sprinkles

I coached or helped coach many of Justin’s sports teams. We too spent a lot of time in ice cream stores. Frosty’s at Wendy’s were normally our first choice. There we would talk about the game, and at times I was able to crack his armor and we would discuss life. The ice cream helped break the ice so to speak. I am thankful for ice cream.

When they moved away and started attending that school that shall not be named I eventually got over it. I started enjoying going to Lawrence for visits and exploring Mass Street. There we go to Free State Brewery and have a meal and of course a beer or two. We then head to Sylas & Maddy’s for some great ice cream.

This year the kids have been coming home maybe a little more than in the past. They have been coming home to spend more time with me. Things have not gone as hoped in my cancer treatments.

When they are home they normally find a well stocked freezer of ice cream. A lot of fun conversations as well as serious conversations started this year while having a bowl of ice cream.

Amy and I on an ice cream run. Shoutout to Chance for helping us pick out the best ones! — Harps in Bentonville, AR, 2012

This Thanksgiving we were at Erin’s house. They bought their first home this year and moved from Overland Park to Olathe. I do not know the Olathe area as well yet, but while driving around exploring I found a Dairy Queen in the neighborhood. That is all Cammy and I need.

The family will all be together in Wichita the weekend of December 16^th. I am sure the topic of my heath will come up and I will update them on how things have been going and what are my next options. I will be reporting on the conversation I had with my oncologist during my appointment on the 14^th. Once again not the best news, but could be worse. I am going to need some ice cream. Maybe even a few beers.

It will go something like this. The kids will go to their mom first to talk about how I am doing, and what kind of mood they should expect when they corner me. They will formulate a plan on when and how to approach me. Or Erin will just come out and say, “Well dad WTF is going on?”

I taught her well.

When they come to me I better have the same report as mom or I will be in trouble. I will be accused of holding back information. They have ways of making me talk. It usually involves ice cream.

So sometime during our visit I am sure that I will be taking them to an ice cream store. I am thinking Cold Stone. I will order my two scoops in a bowl, and with the HOPE for a better future I will ask the server to add a few victory sprinkles.

Take… that… cancer.

Yes I am thankful for ice cream.

Kevin
Optimist
Pessimist
Trying to live in reality
MIZ

Dear Camden

Living…Loving…Laughing

Monthly Archives: December 2017

Introduction

I’m Thankful For