Let’s just address the reason for this blog right up front. I have stage 4 prostate cancer. They tell me that the cancer has advanced too far and is not curable, and that fucking sucks.
Let me explain my word choice. You see if you are going to be a reader of this blog you will need to be sure that you have your big boy/girl panties on because I plan on using big boy words. As for me I wear my big boy Depends. Prostate surgery and incontinence you know. That radiation did a hell of a number on me as well. Fuckers!
Anyway I find that the F word can be used to help explain many things. I use the word as a noun, verb, and adjective. So you will probably see it from time to time.
Moving on: Okay Kevin you have cancer, why the blog?
I am writing for a couple of reasons: One I find it to be a form of therapy. I talk to myself a lot and if you are a writer you get to answer. The second reason is for my three children and grandson and any future grandchildren.
My kids are adults and have moved on with their lives. My home will always be their home. The job of a father is never over, but I do not have the influence nor do they need me like they once did. And that is good. With the kids we have memories that they will have for the rest of their lives. If things turn ugly we have had our time together.
With Camden it is a different story. Camden is my two-year-old grandson. I love him more than I can ever explain. My greatest fear in all of this cancer shit is that my time will come before he has had the opportunity to form lasting memories of our relationship. I can only remember bits and pieces of when I was say five, six, seven, or eight years old. I would imagine that his future memory of what was going on in his life at that age will be cloudy as well.
So I take videos with him as often as possible, and you will see those here and on Facebook. I will use this blog to say things to him that maybe he will be able to look over in the future and smile. I hope, I hope, I hope, that maybe something will happen to change things and Cammy and I will be able to sit down together and read over these pages years from now and laugh. Unfortunately that is most likely not going to happen. So these pages will be my branches that I am leaving behind for Cammy.
I read a story many years ago that stuck with me. In that story a son was taking his mother up a mountain to die. As he carried her up the mountain she would grab branches from the trees and drop them onto the forest floor. The son asked her why she was doing that and she explained: We are going up the mountain together, but you will be coming back down alone. These branches are to help you find your way.
Maybe something I say here will help my family find their way in a world without me. I hope that is not anytime soon. But as I have always said you gotta be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.
You will be learning a lot about me here on these pages. I will try to be as open as possible and that is really hard because that is not me. I will be talking about my hopes and fears, and at times that might get uncomfortable for me or you. If that turns out to be the case and you feel that I am providing TMI, I ask that you stop following the blog.
I hope to also help others with cancer. I will be talking about my treatments, doctors, and insurance companies. I guess the entire medical establishment.
For those of you who decide to check in from time to time all I can say is strap on your seat-belts, you are in for a hell of a ride!
You will learn that another reason for the blog is just to get myself to laugh. You might laugh along with me. I will probable laugh harder, according to my kids.
So that is kind of an intro to what you will find here. Oh I almost forgot. I probably need to introduce myself in case someone finds their way to this page through a Google search because they also have cancer. Welcome.
My name is Kevin Brown and I am 58 years old. I am the father of three and husband of one. I am a cancer patient and I will forever be a cancer patient.
Until next time keep on Living…Loving…Laughing.
“Time is shortening. But every day that I challenge this cancer and survive is a victory for me.”
Thanks for sharing your heart with us,Papa Brown! Been thinking of you and your family a lot.
Thank you Jordan. Please tell your family that I said hello and Merry Christmas. It has been too long since I have seen them.
I feel like I learn so much regarding you and your wife from Erin. Erin and I went to high school together. Actually, your house and my parent’s house are in the same neighborhood. I’ve seen you running in the neighborhood while I sit on the couch eating potato chips. So in a weird creepy way, after all of these years, I feel like I know you by know… HA!
As I’ve told Erin in the past, I’m not here to say everything is okay because I agree–it is a shitty situation. What I can say I loved how honest and real this post was. I can say when you got to talking about Cam, I almost lost it. Cam is slightly younger than my son. So it put things even more into perspective for me.
As you continue on this “process,” I hope each day is more fulfilling than the previous. That you get to record more videos with Cam. That you can choose to laugh in moments of hardness.
Thank you for shining light on such a difficult subject.
Thank you very much for your comments Lisa. You have warmed my heart with your kind words.
I look forward to reading more of your writings. We are also due for our monthly/or every other monthly laugh get together with LW. Let’s make some plans soon. Merry Christmas and much love!
Your turn to pick where we eat. Also your turn to buy. Merry Christmas.
Papa Brown! I appreciate your honestly because I think it is easy to want to not face the facts. You have raised fearless, honest children and I now know that they get it from their Papa! You all continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. Your darling daughter Erin has remained close to my heart for many years. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Thank you Margaret. When Erin is in town we should take the little ones out for ice cream. That would be fun.
Wow, Kevin. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I sensed from following you on FB the last several weeks that you’d undergone something incredibly life-changing because you are so introspective and have learned to savor the most important things in life.Like I said before, the videos of you and Camden just made my heart sing and I had hoped that incredible experience was just the wonder of becoming a grandparent.
I am sorry for this process you’re having to go through (it does fucking suck!) and it is my hope and prayer that in several years (and before) we can sit down and share stories about life after Wellsville, grandchildren, and all of the important stuff.
For now I’ll follow your blog and laugh, learn and empathize with you. I’ll also be thankful you have a family that is so encouraging and helps you to savor each day.
Thank you Laurie. I am looking forward to having the opportunity to sit down and share stories. And you are right I do have an incredible family. Christy has been there every step and when I tune out she stays on top of things and keeps me going. My son and daughters have kept my attitude in line and of course I have my Cammy. Looking forward to reconnecting soon.
Hi Kevin. Jordan had told me about your blog and I hadn’t taken the time to look at it. Randy is driving us home from NM so far am passing time looking at my phone. I want to say I’m sorry you are still dealing with this horrible disease, but read I’m not supposed to give you pity! I am tickled to learn about your ice cream obsession! How funny! I wonder how much ice cream you’ve put away over the years?! Please know Randy and I will be thinking of you and your family. Thanks for “telling it lol me it is.” Cindy Eno
Thanks Cindy. Nice to hear from you and Randy. Have a safe trip home.