Que Sera, Sera…What Will Be Will Be…The Future’s Not Ours To See…Que Sera, Sera.
I wonder if my kids will ever figure out where that came from.
After returning home from our lake vacation it was once again time for me to visit with my medical team.
Every three months I am tested to see what Brutus is doing. From the test we can tell if Brutus is feeling well and growing. We can tell how fast Brutus is growing. With months and months of data you can see where things look like they are going and do something if needed.
There was a time when Brutus was doing very well. He was growing and the numbers were going up fast. When the smoke cleared after my medical team had mutilated, shot him with radiation, and poisoned him for months and months he said “fuck this!” and started shrinking. He cusses a lot. I do hear him.
The poisons were doing their job and Brutus felt like shit, and I felt like shit. That is how it works.
Then it was my turn to say “FUCK THIS!” The treatments were stopped.
So what does wholesome Doris Day have to do with an essay where the “F” word keeps getting used? Well, let me tell you.
At some point in time you have to let your worries and fears go.
Fear, another “F” word, and one I find more offensive than the one I used above.
You cannot let Brutus get to you. There are some things you can control and others you cannot. You control how you react, and how you live in spite of what happens. Then one day the words Doris sang were in my head: Que sera, sera.
You truly learn to accept What Will Be Will Be. Then you learn to live.
Being told that you have an incurable cancer I am sure can be a terrifying experience. With me it did not sink in at first. They were just words from a doctor. I was in denial. Then you go through the process, and you realize that these fuckers are serious. Then I was terrified.
It is that unknown, that future that we cannot see that can be very exciting or terrifying or even both to a cancer patient. Hell too many people I guess.
You feel great and you think things are going very well. Then you learn they are not.
Since going off the poisons I feel so much better. It has taken time to get to where I am now. The treatments create such a hormonal imbalance that it takes months to recover. My testosterone levels are not where they once were, but I am getting there. No more Fucking Hot Flashes!! My fight with menopause has been temporarily suspended. You poor ladies, I did feel your pain, or at least your heat. Christy and I no longer fight over the fan.
I have been able to go on longer walks. Hope to be running again soon. I have a race I want to run in a few months. We will see how that goes. I just hope I do not get passed by too many ladies pushing those fancy running baby strollers. Well maybe I will not mind. The view is not too bad. You know someone has to be last. I can always play the card.
I have been able to work out and I am getting stronger. I still get fatigued at times, but nothing like it was.
Hell I can even mow my own yard without having to stop. That was not happening last year. I am better.
Discomfort at times is still an issue. You deal with it and move on.
I am feeling better. I am getting better. What that also means is that Brutus is also feeling and getting better. Damn!
A short time off the treatments and he started growing again. He continues to grow. We are both feeling good.
I spoke with U3 on Tuesday the 16th. We had a very good conversation, but he had to go and spoil the bromance to give me what he thought was not so good news.
Of course we talked about me (one of my favorite subjects) and how I was feeling. We talked about my upcoming adventure to Alaska. He told me that was on his bucket list. He said someday. I told him not to wait.
We spoke about my fear of bears. I do not like bears. You know I do like Yogi, Boo-Boo, and of course Gentle Ben. I am not so sure I want to get too close to a bear in Alaska.
The question often asked is does a bear shit in the woods. I am going to say yes I think he does. I am also going to say that Kevin will also shit in the woods if he walks up on a bear. The good doctor told me not to get to close. Thanks Doc.
When we were finished laughing and our date was about over he decided to spring his most current thoughts on the Kevin cancer situation.
“I have concerns. Your cancer is growing too fast.”
Now this was not news to me. I see the numbers. I know what is going on, but I sure as hell was not going to bring it up. I like how things have been going. I figured that when it got important one of the doctors would say something. Well I guess he just did. Damn.
My goal this year was to be able to go to Alaska in July and my class reunion in September and not be on any poison. I did not want to be sick on these trips. I do not want people to see me sick.
The good doctor had my undivided attention. When your cancer doctor tells you that your fucking cancer is growing too fast well he just became Dr. EF Hutton and you listen. Okay you youngins will not get that reference, Google it.
“If it does not slow down soon, then we are going to have to do something.”
Wait a minute it sounds to me like he is not going to try to get me to agree to do something right now. That was a good thing, because it was not going to happen.
We had this conversation on July 16th. My Alaska trip was coming up very soon when we had this talk. I’ll be damned if I was going to go on anything or do anything to make me sick. I am getting on a plane on July 25th. Whatever he is planning on doing will have to wait.
July 25th, that is tomorrow! I need to pack! Damn.
I sat there looking at him. I did not say anything. I wanted him to continue. I wanted to hear his recommendation.
I had to fight the urge to quote “Brother Stork” and say to the good doctor, “Well what the hell are we supposed to do you moron?”
Maybe I would have left the moron part out. Maybe?
(Okay I will explain that Brother Stork is a character in the movie Animal House. Animal House by the way is one of my favorite movies. You guys need to be writing this shit down if you plan on having a chance of winning Dead Man Trivia.)
The doctor talked about radiation. This is a strategy I knew was a possible option. I do not stay up until 3 AM reading articles, research reports, and clinical trials for nothing.
As he talked I learned that this is an option that might allow me to stay off of the poisons a little longer.
He talked about having a specialized scan that would more precisely identify my lesion/tumor hot spots sooner that other scans. If they can be located early and there are not too many of them they could be radiated. The radiation would hopefully kill or shrink the tumors. This would help with pain management as well as give me more time. It would not cure me. Damn!
One problem we might run into with this strategy could be getting the insurance company on board. He explained that the needed scan is not covered by many insurance companies. He did not know if my insurance would cover the scan.
That is a very good question. We have run into this problem before. After my surgery they wanted to radiate me, but they wanted a special scan done to better find the cancer. At that time they were hoping the radiation might cure me. For that to happen they had to know where it was.
The insurance company declined to pay for the scan. The window of opportunity for the scan would soon close.
I went ahead and had the scan. We hoped to appeal the insurance company’s decision to deny the coverage of the scan. It is like asking for a second opinion. Who do you talk to for this second opinion? Well someone else in the insurance company. Hahaha. Really that shit is not funny. The system is rigged.
My radiation oncologist wrote a letter to the insurance company. She spoke over the phone a few times with the insurance company doctors who could reverse the decision not to cover the scan. She explained why the scan was needed and how it would help me. She got mad and hung up on them once. After all the talk the decision was not reversed.
I could write an entire essay on that situation. Maybe someday I will.
I imagine we might have the same problem again. The scan is expensive and this time the radiation does not offer the chance of a cure. If the scan is not approved I will not have it done. That will mean going back on the poisons. Damn.
In the past receiving this information might have worried me, but not today. You learn to go with the flow. Tomorrow might offer a different opportunity. Tomorrow might bring a different procedure or a new poison. Whether Brutus slows down or not is out of my control.
So tomorrow I start my Alaska Adventure. It will be a great time. Living now is my priority.
When I get back if that Little Bitch Brutus is still serving lemons then I will have one big ass glass of lemonade. As I sip on that beverage I will think of this trip and appreciate the life that I live.
Que Sera, Sera, What Will Be Will Be…..