Camden, today on “Coffee with Kev” I would like to talk to you about calling your mom.  I will wait a minute for you to pour yourself a cup.  Ready?   Here we go.

I know that you are a little young to comprehend what I am trying to say here today.  One day you will get it.  So, let me explain.

Just like you I have a mom.  Yes, I do.  You know her as Grandma Oneta.  She is your great grandmother.  She is my mom.

I spoke to Grandma Oneta recently over the phone.  We talk every few weeks.  Not often enough according to her.  She is probably right.

We talk about all kinds of things.  We talk about my garden.  We talk about you and your family.  We always talk about the Cardinals.  We also talk about our health.  Yes, as you get older it appears that you spend time talking about your aches and pains.  

Grandma Oneta will be 80 years old soon.  People think that she must be older because I am getting close to 61.  She was a young mother.  She was almost 19 when I was born.  Remember Camden that the first child can be born at any time.  The second one takes nine months.  Wink…wink.

When my parents were married was kept a secret for many years.  They did not want me to figure out that I was sort of present at the wedding. 

Your Great Uncle Keith figured it out.  He told me.  I was too busy playing ball and getting into mischief.  He did the math.

I was a little bit of a surprise because my mom had been told by her doctors when she was younger that she would be unable to have children due to her polio.  

Polio.  Thank God that polio is not a word that you here very often these days.  Unfortunately, I understand that it is still common in other countries.

Today we are going through the Covid-19 virus pandemic.  When my mom was growing up, they did not have this coronavirus, but they had polio.

Polio is a contagious virus that is also transmitted from person to person.  I hope that soon we have this new virus under control like science was able to develop a vaccine for polio.  The polio vaccine came many years too late for my mom.

The poliovirus attacks the nervous system causing paralysis.  It attacked mom’s spinal cord which left her unable to use her legs.  That is why she is in that wheelchair.  

When I was growing up, she did not have a wheelchair.  She wore braces on both of her legs and used crutches to get around.  She got her driver’s license after she was married.  She never let not being able to walk stop her.

Of course, I was always a little faster than mom, and I often used that to my advantage.  Sometimes I would say things or do things that I should not have done or said.  I know that is hard for you to believe, but it did happen. 

Why not?  She could not catch me.  I did learn that I should have done more social distancing around mom when I would say or do things.  She might not be able to catch me, but boy she could swing a mean crutch.  Ouch!  She was a switch hitter or amphibious as I often say, incorrectly.  I do have a scar on my right wrist as I tried to block one of those swings.  One of the screws on the crutch left a lasting mark.  Where was child protective services when I needed them. HAHAHA.  I still bring that up to her.

You have only seen her in that motorized wheelchair.  She went to the chair after several rotator cuff surgeries.  Years of using crutches had taken their toll.

She gets around well in that thing.  She goes forward, backwards, up and down.  I bet it even slices and dices.  I think that chair is the Linda Blair model going around and around.  Do not worry if you do not get that Camden, most people will not.  I laughed.

I think that chair might also be possessed.  Because on a phone call a few weeks ago she told me how that chair broke her leg.  Yup, the chair broke her leg.  

This is what happened.  She drove her chair into the bathroom and when she was transferring from the chair to the toilet her clothes got stuck on the chair control stick thingamajig.  She did not have that bad boy in park so when it got a little juice it drove forward and pushed her leg right into the edge of the vanity snapping her leg.  Double Ouch!!

Broken so bad that if she had normal use of her legs she would have needed surgery.  But in her case, they wrapped an air cast around her leg.  She is still in it.

I wanted to have this little talk with you Camden to tell you a little about my mom, and how remarkable she is.  I am going to share somethings with you now that your mother, Uncle Justin, nor Aunt Amy know.  They will know now.  That is what this is about.  To give you a little history of your family.  Stories that if I do not write them down, well they might never be told.  At least not from my perspective.  Wink…wink.

When my mom was seven years old, I am sure she was just like most seven-year-old kids.  Running and playing on the farm trying to keep up with her two older brothers.  Her younger brother was not yet born.

When she was seven, she started falling often.  No explanation except that she had fallen out of a swing at school and it was suspected that she might have hurt her back.  She saw a chiropractor many, many times.  That did not work.

One morning before going to school she walked into the kitchen and fell to the floor.  She could not get up.  She never walked again.

She was running a high fever and the doctors thought that she had the flu and she was sent home.

Much later at St. Mary’s Hospital in St. Louis the doctors told the family that mom had polio and that she would never walk again.

Mom does not remember much of her life before polio.  She remembers the surgeries she went through before having her braces and crutches.  Before getting her leg braces she had to be carried everywhere or she scooted on the floor.  

She attended a one-room schoolhouse out in the country near Vandalia for grades 1-6.  She remembers being treated like all the other kids.  Since she could not walk her friends at school would put her in a little red wagon and pull her around.  She did not get her braces until she was 11 years old.  She persisted.

These are things I want you to know.  

Now when mom and I talk on the phone we often talk about the past.  I ask questions about things that have happened.  She tries to remember.  

Yesterday we talked about an uncle who was a midget clown in the Barnum and Bailey Circus.  You wonder where I get my height.  Uncle Alvee.  Not sure of the spelling.  Anyway, that is a story for another time.

We talk about current topics and what is new in her life.  Sometimes I get upset and frustrated.  You see as you get older the child in some respect becomes the parent.  That role for me is hard being hundreds of miles away.  I am so thankful that she has many good friends who look out for her. 

We also talked yesterday about one of her friends that recently died.  The fear of death is a worry we both acknowledge.  She worries about losing me.  I worry about losing her.

The phone calls have increased over the past years.  On my trips back to the Homeland I always make sure I stop by her house.  That did not always happen.  Yes, I may have driven to St. Louis for a ballgame and not stopped.  That does not happen anymore.  A few times I have showed up she had no idea that I was in the area.  I am a little shit.  

During one of our phone calls she told me about your last visit to her house.  You sat in her lap and she gave you wheelchair rides.  Up and down her porch into the driveway.  Over and over you rode.   She enjoyed your visit.  I hope they continue.

Have you finished your coffee yet?  I have been doing all the talking.  I need to microwave mine.  One last thing I want to leave you with today.

I realize that it does not matter how old you and I will get.  We both have mothers and we will always be their little boys.  

One day you will grow up and have your own family.  With that comes new responsibilities and worries.  It can be easy to lose touch.  No matter how complicated life gets promise me that you will do this:

Call your Mom!

Dear Camden,

Today is April 26^th, 2020, and in a few days, I will meet with my urologist to go over my latest numbers. April is on my rotation of months when I have the joy of seeing my medical team and going over my most recent test results. We have a little discussion about what is going on and talk about where we are in the big picture of things. The process is repeated every three months. Joy…joy.

I normally do not look forward to those months. I had tried to mix in some fun activities that I would look forward to doing to try to make April less depressing. But since I had to cancel a fishing trip with Dave and Steve, and I was not able to drive up to KC to spend a week with you as was originally planned I have not had any activities to take my mind off of April. Damn Virus!

In the past I noticed that as I would get closer to my tri-monthly visits that my anxiety would increase. That does not happen so much anymore.

I feel that I have finally realized that I cannot control those damn numbers so why get so worked up about them. No matter what happens I know what the plan is. It is my plan. My medical team might come up with some new ideas and I will listen. Yes, I will listen.

My tests were done two weeks ago, and the results are available. All I need to do is call them or look it up on the patient portal. I have not done either. I do not plan at the present to learn the results. I will see the doctor soon, and I know what is going to happen. The PSA number will either be up, or it will be down. Now if it is up the important question becomes by how much.

Camden, Gaga has asked me about the test results. I think she is a little anxious. She is normally as cool as the other side of the pillow, as Stewart Scott would say.

I have tried when I can to reduce her anxiety as well as your momma’s, your Aunt Amy’s, and Uncle Justin’s.

I have tried, but sometimes it does not work out.   She tries to be at my appointments, so I am not able to distort things. I am not able to minimize reality.

Minimizing reality is done by many people for different reasons. I am often trying to soften reality. Now I can do that. I hate it when someone tries to do it to me. It is the worst when the doctors try to minimize reality or avoid it altogether. That pisses me off.  I have heard too many times something like “why don’t we see how things go and we can discuss that next time.” I want to discuss it now.

Let me take a moment to talk about my last visit with my urologist to show you what I mean.

On January 16^th Erin posted my last essay talking about Brutus. I saw the doctor on January 17^th. Of course, my PSA number was up, but not as great of an increase as in the past. I had some hope.

We talked about my new number and I told the doctor that since the growth rate had slowed down that must mean that things were getting better.

He told me it did not mean that at all. He said that once he put all the numbers in the computer that it would be worse than it looked. Damn! Shit! Fuck!

He then went all mathematician on me. Talking about linear progressions or some shit like that. I tuned him out. I did not want to hear what he was saying. I asked him not to put the numbers in the computer. I told him that I did not want to know what that machine was going to tell me. I was serious.

He did not listen. He must have thought that I was kidding. He must have figured that I am the one who always wants to know everything. I am the one who challenges him with my digging. I am the one that makes them say what they really would not like to talk about. I am the one who wants to deal with reality. Not today doc.

Prostate Specific Antigen Doubling Time (PSADT) is an important number for someone like me to know. Months ago, when the doctor said that my numbers were increasing so fast that we might need to do something soon. He never mentioned PSADT. No one ever talked to me about PSADT. I discovered its importance on my own a long time ago.

So, on my next visit when he brought up the rate of growth, I started to talk to him about the DT. I told him that the tests were showing that my doubling time was less than three months. I told him that I understood that was bad. We talked a little about DT.

He realized that I understood why he was concerned. He was not going to need to explain it to me. Why we had not talked about it before I did not understand.

He told me that it looked like my DT could be a little under three months or a little over. He did not have the computer with him to run all the numbers. That was okay, because I have every single number branded in my brain, and every three months the number has more than doubled. I did not need a computer to tell me that my DT was less than three months.

At that moment in his office I really did not want the computer to tell me the DT. I wanted to walk out of there knowing that at least this time it had slowed down.

He put the numbers into his machine, and he announced that the DT was 3.7 months. I was sitting about two feet from him. He was looking at his computer on a small desk against the wall. My chair back was against the wall, so I was facing his opposite direction, but far enough back to look him in the face.

He then crossed his arms and continued to stare at the computer. He was not looking at me. After crossing his arms, he said, “That is a very fast doubling time.”

He sounded concerned. I could not have that Camden, Gaga was in the room. I did not want her hearing this. I did not want her upset. It was time to attempt to minimize reality. I had to jump into action. Okay, maybe not jump. I am sixty years old you know.

I then told the doctor that a 3.7 month doubling time was not that bad. I was thinking that the DT was worse than that because the doc forgot to put one of the test results into the computer. I knew that because all the numbers you remember are branded in my brain. I was not going to tell him. It was a bad number. So, for now we go with the 3.7.

Camden as soon as I got my minimizing statement out Gaga said, “Kevin, that number is terrible.”

This minimizing shit was not working. I could see that I was going to have to go big. I then said, “Well look at the bright side, at least I am not dead.”

That appeared not to be the right thing to say. Neither Gaga or the doc smiled or laughed. I realized that this was a very tough room. I should probably try my new material out somewhere else before dropping it on this audience. Oh well, I appear in this office every three months. Maybe next time I will have some better material.

I sensed that I needed to try another angle. I then turned to the doc and started talking about how the cancer must have slowed since the number had not doubled this time. “The doubling time will continue to increase, right Doc? The cancer is going to slow down, right?”

I was needing his help here. Gaga has cried before on our way home from a doctor’s visit. I really was trying to avoid that. The doctor was not much help.

The doctor did not say a word. I knew he heard me. I was freaking two feet away. He started typing on the computer showing no emotion. He did not comment on or answer my question. Damn! You would think that he was running for political office.

His silence answered my question. Allow me to interpret his silence:

He does not know. No one knows.

Camden the cancer world is full of uncertainty. Brutus could slow down. He might speed up. He could slow down and then speed up. No one knows. The doctor was not going to comment. He did not want to be put into a position where tomorrow he might have to explain why the things he said yesterday did not happen today. I get that.

I still needed to change the way this appointment was going. I was trying to figure out what to do next, because my strategery was not working. Then it came to me Camden. I needed to change the subject. That is what I did, and it worked.

I moved away from talking about my DT and Brutus. I have many other things to talk to the good doctor about. Hell, I have had three surgeries, radiation, all kinds of poisons pumped into my body and physical therapy to try to stop pissing in my pants. My body is a mess. Damn!

Taking my daily medication of chocolate ice cream

In the past we have talked about surgeries that might be able to fix what the past surgeries and treatments have broken. A kind of Humpty Dumpty approach. Hell, after physically therapy I still piss my pants. I have not wanted to have surgery to fix that, but I also never want to do another damn Kegel. So, at that moment in his office I sensed it was a good time to revisit the surgery topic.

My mission was accomplished. We moved completely away from talking about Brutus. There were no tears on the drive home.

We talked about fixing my body and he gave me some pamphlets. I am not sure where I put them. I have not yet read them, but they were good strategery at the time.

I probably ought to read those before I see him on Wednesday the 29^th. But I think I will do that later because it is now 1:51 A.M. on the 27^th. Time for bed.

I have physical therapy for my back in the morning. It turns out that my back problems I mentioned in my last essay are due to a couple of discs going bad in my lower back and not related to Brutus. That is good news.

Hopefully, we will have more good news in a few days. I hope to hear that my PSADT is increasing. Where we have been is dangerous. Bad things happen too men at my present DT speed.

These tri-monthly tests for now are a reality that I must live with. Probably forever. I am trying to adapt, and live with this reality, but it is hard. I try to pretend that they do not matter. But they do. They have a great impact on how I am going to live my life. They even provide insight into how long I am going to live. Et tu, Brute?

On Wednesday, the sun will be shining, and it will be a great day for more good news.

What if the news is not good? Well I have a couple of days to come up with a new strategy to minimize reality.

Remember I can do that. You cannot.

FaceTime you soon Camden. Love you.

Papa

Dear Camden,

It is Saturday evening April 11th, and I am sitting here trying to put the finishing touches on this little note that I started over a week ago.  I write a little then put it away. Every time I return, I change something, and I add more thoughts. So, this is probably much longer than I had originally intended.  

I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed our facetime visit earlier today.  We have been doing a lot of facetime recently and everyday your mother sends me snap chat videos and pictures.  I am glad to get them.  

That damn virus has changed just about everything for everyone.   

It has been almost two months since I have been with you and Adalie.  I know for now we must keep our distance, but it is so hard. I just want to drive up to KC and give you and Adalie a big hug.  It will have to wait for now. At least we have facetime. I imagine that some do not.

I realize that you really have no idea of what is going on out in the so-called real world.  All you know is that you cannot go to preschool and be with your friends. Even before the governor issued the stay at home order your preschool was shut down and your family was in quarantine.  

One of your teachers was being tested for the virus.  Then a second teacher was tested. I do know that no one at your house got sick.  For that I am very thankful.

As for the silver lining you have gotten to spend more and more time with your mom and dad.  Has your mom at least washed that robe of hers? Has she taught you how to take the cork out of her wine bottle?  Does she still have wine? Oh well I will figure all that out later.  

What questions might you have for me?  Or might I ask what questions has your momma whispered in your ear that she wants you to ask?  I know she does that. She does it right in front of me when we talk. I may have selective hearing, but I am not blind.  I might also have selective eyesight, but I saw that.

As I said I am going to take a few moments to share some thoughts about what is going on in the world.  Might as well talk to you about it now. Not sure how old you will be when you understand. Someday you will.  

I have no idea where this is going to take us.  You know that once I get started it is hard for me to stop.  I think that I often have diarrhea of the fingers. I better learn to get over that, because there is not much toilet paper left in the house.  I cannot find any at the store. At least no panic buying of ice cream, yet. They can have the TP. Just stay away from my ice cream. It is a crazy world in which we live.  How is your ice cream supply?

Okay your turn to ask a question.  Now I know that we are not talking, so I am going to pretend that we are.  The questions we are going to go over are ones that you might ask. I know your mother would ask them. A few of these are the standard questions I get every few months.  I mean every few months if not more oftener. I just made that up. I think.

Cheering on the Cards between dippin’ dots at your first Cardinals baseball game.

What have you been doing Papa?

In March I started working in the garden.  I planted potatoes, lettuce, and spinach. I was busy and I sure could have used your help.

I remember last March, you were here, and you helped with the potatoes.  We had fun that day. But when I was in the garden this year you and your family were in quarantine.  

How are you feeling Papa?

Camden, I know your momma told you to ask this question.  It is always asked, and it is never the first question. Never.  The second or the third most often. She is trying to strategically place the question.  Like she is going to surprise me with it or something, and I will then bare my soul and tell her the most intricate details about how I feel.  Sorry. That is probably not going to happen. So, let me give you an answer.

Well I am feeling fine Camden.  Thank you for asking.

No Papa!  Mommy said that she did not want the standard bullshit you give everyone.  She wants to know how you are really feeling. She said that you need to keep it real.  Whatever that means Papa.

Camden, that is not a bullshit answer.  It is the socially acceptable answer that you give people, and unless they see me bleeding then my answer will always be that I am fine.  Unless I am hunched over in pain. Sometimes that is hard to hide. Recently I admit that I have been hunched over in pain more often than I like.

What are you talking about Papa?

Well Camden about two weeks ago my back problems started to once again become an issue.  I figured that it would get better over time with enough rest, alcohol, and ice cream. But that did not happen.  So, I figured that I should address the problem now before it got worse, so I went to the doctor.

What did your doctor say?

Well the first thing the doctor did was have an x-ray taken.  She showed me the x-ray and she pointed to the rib area on the right side of my body.  She said that I had a mass there that she was concerned might be cancer.  That area did look bigger than the last time I saw it. Anyway, her peoples were going to call my peoples to get that mass issue worked out and then we can all do lunch.  Right? Hopefully it ain’t no big deal.

The doctor told me that the degeneration of my discs was very noticeable on the x-ray.  None of the discs up and down my spine looked like they should. They are all in different stages of degeneration.  

I was told when dealing with prior back problems that what she was seeing would happen.   

This time things are a little different then the past Camden.  My previous back surgeries have been in my upper back and neck area.  The pain now is in my lower back.

Based on the x-rays she thinks it is most likely a disc problem.   But she cannot yet rule out Brutus. Whatever it is, it is hitting my sciatic nerve which causes great pleasure.  Not!! Where is the ice cream?  

Well they then gave me steroid shots.  They did not work. They gave me drugs.  They have not worked.

I had an MRI a few days ago.  Waiting on the results.

So, for the first time in my life I am hoping they find a herniated disc.  I do not want it related to the other problem.

So, when we get the results of the MRI, I am hoping that we can skip the physical therapy.  It has never worked in the past, but I guess I am willing to give it another try.  

What has worked in the past were the epidural shots.  So, if it is a disc, I want to move to the shots as soon as possible.  I would like to avoid surgery.  

Papa it sounds like you have recently hit a patch of rough years.  Did you have broken bones or surgeries when you were younger?

No Camden I did not.  I was a healthy guy. At least I thought I was a healthy guy.  Things can change as you get older. As they say getting old is not for sissies.  

Camden, I do remember a time about twenty-five years ago when I almost had a surgery.  Almost.

Go on!

Well it was after Amy was born and Gaga asked me my thoughts on having a vasectomy.  It did not happen. (One day someone can explain that to you. Ouch!)

Why not?  

I told Gaga that my next wife was going to be much younger than her and that she would want children.  I could not deprive her of that.

How did that go over Papa?

Ooooh, it went Camden, it went.  How do you think it went Camden?

She kicked your ass huh Papa?  

You might say that.  What I will say Camden is that Karma is a bitch.  Brutus came along and took care of that. Damn.

I ended up having to go through what I will call the Christy re-education program.  I now know how to say, ‘Yes dear’ and make it sound like I mean it. It did take me a while to stop flinching when I said it.  I learned.

All kidding aside the last almost 36 years have been wonderful.  

Enough questions for the moment.  Let’s move on.

Channeling our inner Hulk.

I wish we could share some ice cream, but for the time being we will have to eat our ice cream together over facetime.  Not sure when we will be able to get together again since we do not know how long the governor’s stay at home order will be in place.

Camden the governor has taken a lot of criticism since she issued the order.   I think that it was a wise move. As each day has gone by it appears that was the correct action to take.  The critics I do not understand. I ask myself if this is what happens when people do not believe in science.   

Now the virus was going to happen here in the U.S.  I do not think that it could have been stopped in our modern world.  Unfortunately, we have probably not responded in the best way. That does not mean we cannot start.  

One of the doctors on my medical team has said to me more than once: “Kevin, we can be early, or we can be late.”

He was talking about my treatments, and his belief that being able to predict the exact and most optimal time for treatments is very difficult or even impossible.  You are either early or late. Being late can turn out to be very costly.

I think that what he said is true in many different aspects of our lives.  I believe that as nation we are going through one of the most difficult times of our existence.  Maybe not the worst, but things will get worse before they get better. But they will get better.

If you have a problem, you must deal with that problem as soon as you can before it becomes a bigger problem. Like my back.

“Let’s see what happens…..” Well that is a response.  Probably not the best response.    

Unfortunately, some people will decide that the issue at hand is not a problem at all.  They will not listen to the advice of others. They might not like what they are hearing or do not want to believe them.   So, they think: Let’s just see what happens.

I know what you are thinking, “Well Papa when did you start listening to your doctors?”

Camden, that is a very valid question.  Contrary to what others think I have always listened to my doctors.  There have been times in the past when we have not been on the same page on what our/my treatment goals should be.  I feel the need to have a balance between the quality of life and just being alive. It has taken a while, but I think that we are on the same page now.

As a country dealing with this virus we have often not been on the same page.  Many states have done their own thing. Some really have not done much at all, but each day some attitudes change.  Each day someone decides that contrary to what they originally thought this is really a big thing, and we need to have a coordinated plan.  We can’t wait to see what is going to happen. We know what will happen. Is it too late?  

By not preparing for the worst, and hoping for the best, are we too late?  

The answer to that Camden is the following:  Yes, we are late. Too late? We are too late for some people.  We will be too late for others if we do not get our shit together.  We are late, but not doomed. 

The story about this virus is written each day.  We cannot change what was written yesterday. We can change what might be written tomorrow.  We have an opportunity to change the ending. 

Now is not the time to lay blame.  Now is the time to get everyone on that same page with a detailed plan on going forward.  If plan A is not working, then plan B. This we cannot lose.

Unfortunately, some have already lost.  Moving forward others will lose as well.  That is why it is so important to follow the rules/guidelines suggested by the medical people to try to slow the virus.  

Your parents were wise when they self-quarantined after learning about your preschool teachers.  Now everyone in the state has been asked to stay home unless they are an essential worker. I am not sure what an essential worker is, but I do know that Gaga and I are some of those people.

Gaga goes to the hospital every day.  Fortunately working as a laboratory scientist, she has limited patient contact.  She is with people who have direct patient contact. I worry about her.   

If they ever get the testing issues figured out it would be her lab that would analyze the test to see if a person had the virus and report those results.  

Gaga can talk to you about antigens and antibodies until you brain is goo.  Believe me I know. Maybe my brain was already goo.

She has always been the smart one in the family.  I do not correct her when she is wrong, which makes me the wise one in the family or maybe that is the re-education training.  Anyway, your momma calls me wanting me to share some of my “wise old man knowledge.”  Enough said.

Camden, I believe that everyone will be affected by this virus.  Not everyone is going to get sick, but life as we know it is going to change.  For many people it already has. The world most likely will come out of this with a true new normal.  

So, for now Camden we cannot be with one another.  We have facetime and of course snap chat. It is not the same but will have to do for now.  I guess I will see you when I see you. I hope it’s someday soon.

I do need to ask you a favor.  Lean a little closer so I do not have to type so loud.  Could you ask your momma to get off my back just a little?  (Maybe that is my problem) That would be greatly appreciated.  Let me explain.

Your mom keeps calling wanting to know if I am staying home.  “No” is the answer I must give her. I follow that up with “but” …. she is not interested in the but explanation.  

You see Camden bad things sometimes happen to people.  When that happens, someone needs to step in and help. We cannot stay at home.

I did have a meeting with my new supervisor.  She would prefer that I figure out a way to work more from home.  She would like for me to limit my people contact. Gaga and your mom will be happy to hear that.  I wonder if they called her.

At work they are trying to change things so that we might be able to do more from home.  They are trying to figure out a way that we can have home access to the information we need to do our job.  

I have worked a few days from home.  It is not the best situation for me work-wise, but case files get reviewed and reports are written.  I guess I can do that anywhere.

Now I am trying to limit my people contact when I can.  Recently I had a family of six coming to the office for interviews.  The father called me the morning of the interviews letting me know that one of his sons had a fever that started the day before.  I told him that we would need to reschedule the interviews. Camden, I think your mom will be happy. I am trying.

People worry about my contact with others because of Brutus and the virus.  Brutus is growing. My body is trying to do what it can to stop Brutus. My immune system is already on high alert.   It’s unknown how well I would deal with Brutus and the virus at the same time. So, it is preferred that I limit my contacts.  

That is why it did not upset me when the Big 12 tournament was canceled.  Yes, you are right Camden the Tigers are no longer in the Big 12. Your mom and dad are Jayhawk fans.  I wanted to be with them. I wanted to go down to the Power and Light District for some fun and then see the joy in their faces when their team won.  If they were still sober? I was looking forward to sharing that experience with them. Don’t worry I would have had my Tiger t-shirt on. A man has got to remember where he comes from.

This past week I was supposed to be in Arkansas fishing with friends.  We decided a couple of weeks ago to cancel. Maybe later in the year. I wonder if it will happen at all.

I do not think this is going to end soon.  Until a vaccine is developed, we most likely will have waves of new cases and deaths.  Once we have a decline in new cases from week to week many will demand that the restrictions be weakened.  Then new cases and deaths will grow again. Then more restrictions. This will continue until we have a working vaccine.  

Until that vaccine arrives, I wonder if we will ever be at a testing level where we can safely open the economy.  I wonder how people will react to the idea or necessity of being tracked through their cell phones. I wonder if our politicians will be truthful with us then make the tough decisions and not worry about their approval ratings or the next election.  I wonder if we will reach a point where the majority no longer cares.

In order to succeed we must together support a plan.  I wonder if an oligarch or several oligarchs will disagree with the plan and throw so much misinformation out there that we will never be united as a people.

I have heard and read many times over my years this Ben Franklin quote: “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.”  Let’s not make that mistake.

I wish I had the answers Camden.  I do not. 

You will grow up studying the history of these times.  You will look back and see what was done and what happened.  I hope we did good. Until then I will try to do my part and heed the recommendations.  

I do not think I will be doing much traveling if any this year.  Our trip to New York in October, and my trip to New Orleans in November will be re-evaluated along with other adventures.   Most likely they are not going to happen.   

Those are just a few of my thoughts today Camden.  Maybe we will wake up one day and the virus will be gone as quickly as it came.  Now I doubt that, but maybe. Remember, we will get through this.  

I hope that my ramblings have made some sense. (I took out over 800 words)

I want you to know that I love you and will always love you.

See you when I see you.  I hope it is someday soon.

Sounds a little like a song.  Music can lift your spirits so enjoy this little tune.   

Now go wash your hands.

Papa

Camden, your Nana (Gaga) and I are home now from our fourteen day adventure. We took a plane to Vancouver, Canada and spent a day running around there. Okay walking.

Have tiger backpack. Will travel.

Then we spent seven days on a boat. Now this boat was a little smaller than I have been on in the past, but Camden it was also a little bigger than Uncle Barry’s boat at the lake. Just a little bigger. One day I hope that you go on an adventure to Alaska and if decide on taking a cruise I recommend taking along some Dramamine. Just in case.

While on the boat we visited Ketchikan, Icy Strait Point, Juneau, Skagway, Hubbard Glacier, and Seward. They kicked us off the boat in Seward so we took a bus to Anchorage. The ride to Anchorage was beautiful so resist the temptation to nap.

Spent the night in Anchorage, and I recommend the Glacier Brewhouse on 5^th Street. Good food and decent beer. I am telling you that so you can give your folks a heads up. It will probably be about five years or so until you taste a beer. Yes maybe you and I will open a vintage bottle of Bud Light to celebrate your eight birthday. Maybe?

No, I did not have a Bud Light at the Glacier Brewhouse. I did not see it on the menu. I had some sort of fruity beer, but not an IPA. I try to stay away from bitter beer face. When you get there tell them that Papa sent you. They will not give a shit, but tell them anyway.

The end of another great day.

Aunt Connie and Uncle Brad decided to end their trip in Anchorage and resume their lives in the lower 48. We decided to stay in Alaska a little while longer. They will be missed. Okay they were missed for about five seconds. I had visions of Denali National Park dancing in my head. Just kidding, I do wish that had made the trip to Denali. Brad and I could have been Denali National Park Spades Champions. Yes!!

We took a train early the next morning to get to the park. We were in Denali about four days.

Now for most of the trip I have worn sunglasses every day. The sun has been shinning, except at Hubbard Glacier.

But noooo, not in Denali, never even took my sunglasses out of the case. Good thing I had my emergency rain coat. It rained most of the time we were there. When it was not raining it was very cloudy.

Had a great time in the park, but unfortunately it was too cloudy to see the top of Mt. Denali while in the park. The mountain is so tall that it creates its own weather. They say that only about 30 percent of the visitors to Denali are able to see the top of the mountain, it is the highest peak in North America.

So while in Denali we took a bus tour through the park. The park road is about 95 miles long, but visitors are only allowed to drive the first 15 or 19 miles. I cannot remember which one. So we booked a 13 hour guided bus trip with Kantishna Wilderness Trail Tours.   They took us the entire 95 miles into the park and thankfully the 95 miles back.

During the trip we saw moose, caribou, sheep, a fox, ground squirrels, and of course…bears. Oh my.

So that means that on this trip I have seen humpback whales, orcas, sea lions, harbor seals, sea otters, Dall porpoises, several different kinds of salmon, bald eagles, moose, caribou, mountain goats, a fox, ground squirrels, and bears. Of course I have also seen several different types of birds as well, but sorry little bird if you were not a bald eagle I did not pay attention. I think I did see a partridge in a pear tree. Maybe?

Oh I almost forgot to mention we saw dogs, a lot of dogs. In Skagway we went to a dog sled and mushers camp where they train dogs for the Iditarod Trail Dog Sled Race. We were pulled on a sled with wheels and of course we got to hold the puppies. They were so cute.

Camden we were not far from the North Pole. Did not see Santa, but we saw several of his reindeer. Rudolf might have been able to help us, but his nose was just not bright enough in the mist and fog. We could not see him.

The day after the wilderness tour we hooked up with Denali Raft Adventures and floated the Nenana River for 11 miles. I was not sure about the company at first. It appears they frown upon taking anything extra with you in the rafts. I was thinking just what kind of float trip was this going to be without a cooler.

Then I learned that this was a whitewater rafting trip and we would be going through eight rapids in which several were class III and IV. Okay, okay, no cooler. (I did not book this adventure: Christy did. I would have asked about a cooler.)

The Nenana is a glacier fed river and the water is about 34 degrees. It was a fun little ride even without a cooler. The river was up due to all the rain which made it even more interesting. They had me put on a wet suit, but even with a wet suit you will get wet and yes it is cold. If you are sitting at the front of the raft you are going to get really wet.

I recommend Denali Raft Adventures. Good job Christy. Remember no coolers. Bring an extra pair of dry wool socks for the trip back to your hotel. You could really use more than one pair. Experience talking here.

Camden I am looking forward to taking you on a float trip. We will have a cooler floating the Current River. I bring that up because our bus driver grew up in Salem, Missouri. Which made me think of past float trips on the Current.

Our driver has been in Alaska for five years. He is one of the few people who I have met who stay here year round. He told me that Denali has one stop light. (Sounds like Wellsville. Wellsville is not as pretty.) In late September when all of the tourist leave the area they turn off the stop light and the gas station closes.

Camden do you know what the locals call a traffic jam? That is when someone slows down for a stop sign. Wear your seatbelt.

Denali was fun, but we had to take that train back to Anchorage. Looking on the bright side the train ride meant that I was going to have a brownie covered with ice cream and hot chocolate syrup for desert for both lunch and dinner. I thought of you while enjoying my desert. I gained a few pounds on this trip.

I satisfied my sweet tooth in other ways as well. In Skagway you will find the Alaskan Fudge Company. You will also find them in other Alaskan cities I learned. In the Skagway store I met a young woman named Megan who sold me a few boxes of truffles. You know the chocolate peanut butter truffles, the cookies and cream truffles, and straight up no chaser chocolate truffle. They were amazing.

I paid with a credit card, but if you use cash you will get U.S. dollars and coins back. This is not Canada. Megan noticed who issued my card and asked where I lived. I told her Wichita, Kansas. She said that she was also from Wichita. Actually I learned that she was from Kingman just down the road from Wichita, but close enough. It is a small world, but I would still hate to paint it.

Now Camden you know that I have a problem with eating too much of anything chocolate. I also have another problem that I need to warn you about.

I want to take a minute to warn you about one thing you see quite often in the cities of Alaska. I might not be with you so you need to prepare yourself for this. I am talking: THE GIFT STORE! You cannot go anywhere without running into a GIFT STORE.

Camden I have a problem. I am a sucker for gift stores. Gaga and your mom try to keep me away from gift stores. But if I see one, they know better than to try to keep me out. I cannot be stopped. This trip was no different.

I bought refrigerator magnets, beer mugs, Christmas ornaments, hats, t-shirts, a calendar, books for you and Adalie, shirts for you and Adalie. Maybe Gaga picked out the books and shirts. I approved. Also purchased were wool socks that I wore on the float trip. The socks have cute mooses/messes/moose (take your pick) on them. I do not even know how many postcards I bought.

Do you think I went overboard? I didn’t think so either. I am going to need a bigger fridge.

My addiction at times can cause problems at airports when they weigh my bags. My carry on backpack was very heavy coming home.

Gift stores can be expensive. I know of my problem and planned for it. Financially I had it worked out. I am driving on many of my adventures and I always take cash that I call my bond money. You know that I have been known to drive a little fast. It does not help when you are in the backseat yelling “Faster Papa Faster!” When I am out and about in other states I carry extra cash in case I have to post bond. Not driving this trip so my bond money is being used to pay the gift store tax. Camden when traveling always take bond money. Or you could slow down. No, have the money.

The day after the float trip we take the train back to Anchorage and spend the night. I will talk about my last night in Alaska on the next and I think probably my last Alaskan Adventure Facebook post.

Camden many people who read my blog are subscribers and do not know about my Facebook page. I bring it up today because I have posted several pictures of my adventure there if they would like to take a look. Just use the password “Kevin is the greatest.” Just kidding, it is a public page. No password yet.

This was a great trip Camden that I enjoyed immensely. You will too. I recommend that you take an adventure there. Whether you take a plane, train, automobile, boat or combination of, just get there. You will not be sorry.

I am now planning my next adventure.

Camden, I find being home has its benefits. I have Bud Light in the    fridge. I imagine that when I get to your house on Tuesday I will also find Bud Light in your fridge. I might also find some chocolate ice cream. If not, do not worry. Road Trip.

Camden it is now time for me to go downstairs and pour a beer into my recently purchased frosty Alaskan Brewing Company glass which I bought at their Gift Store during my brewery tour.

I was just walking the streets of Juneau when I discovered the brewery tour opportunity. I went and would recommend the tour. It was fun and refreshing. Watch out for their gift store. Especially after sampling a few beers. You have been warned.

Papa

Que Sera, Sera…What Will Be Will Be…The Future’s Not Ours To See…Que Sera, Sera.

I wonder if my kids will ever figure out where that came from.

After returning home from our lake vacation it was once again time for me to visit with my medical team.

Every three months I am tested to see what Brutus is doing. From the test we can tell if Brutus is feeling well and growing. We can tell how fast Brutus is growing. With months and months of data you can see where things look like they are going and do something if needed.

There was a time when Brutus was doing very well. He was growing and the numbers were going up fast. When the smoke cleared after my medical team had mutilated, shot him with radiation, and poisoned him for months and months he said “fuck this!” and started shrinking. He cusses a lot. I do hear him.

The poisons were doing their job and Brutus felt like shit, and I felt like shit. That is how it works.

Then it was my turn to say “FUCK THIS!” The treatments were stopped.

So what does wholesome Doris Day have to do with an essay where the “F” word keeps getting used? Well, let me tell you.

At some point in time you have to let your worries and fears go.

Fear, another “F” word, and one I find more offensive than the one I used above.

You cannot let Brutus get to you. There are some things you can control and others you cannot. You control how you react, and how you live in spite of what happens. Then one day the words Doris sang were in my head: Que sera, sera.

You truly learn to accept What Will Be Will Be. Then you learn to live.

Being told that you have an incurable cancer I am sure can be a terrifying experience. With me it did not sink in at first. They were just words from a doctor. I was in denial. Then you go through the process, and you realize that these fuckers are serious. Then I was terrified.

It is that unknown, that future that we cannot see that can be very exciting or terrifying or even both to a cancer patient. Hell too many people I guess.

You feel great and you think things are going very well. Then you learn they are not.

Since going off the poisons I feel so much better. It has taken time to get to where I am now. The treatments create such a hormonal imbalance that it takes months to recover. My testosterone levels are not where they once were, but I am getting there. No more Fucking Hot Flashes!! My fight with menopause has been temporarily suspended. You poor ladies, I did feel your pain, or at least your heat. Christy and I no longer fight over the fan.

I have been able to go on longer walks. Hope to be running again soon. I have a race I want to run in a few months. We will see how that goes. I just hope I do not get passed by too many ladies pushing those fancy running baby strollers. Well maybe I will not mind. The view is not too bad. You know someone has to be last. I can always play the card.

I have been able to work out and I am getting stronger. I still get fatigued at times, but nothing like it was.

Hell I can even mow my own yard without having to stop. That was not happening last year. I am better.

Discomfort at times is still an issue. You deal with it and move on.

I am feeling better. I am getting better. What that also means is that Brutus is also feeling and getting better. Damn!

A short time off the treatments and he started growing again. He continues to grow. We are both feeling good.

I spoke with U3 on Tuesday the 16^th. We had a very good conversation, but he had to go and spoil the bromance to give me what he thought was not so good news.

Of course we talked about me (one of my favorite subjects) and how I was feeling. We talked about my upcoming adventure to Alaska. He told me that was on his bucket list. He said someday. I told him not to wait.

We spoke about my fear of bears. I do not like bears. You know I do like Yogi, Boo-Boo, and of course Gentle Ben. I am not so sure I want to get too close to a bear in Alaska.

The question often asked is does a bear shit in the woods. I am going to say yes I think he does. I am also going to say that Kevin will also shit in the woods if he walks up on a bear. The good doctor told me not to get to close. Thanks Doc.

When we were finished laughing and our date was about over he decided to spring his most current thoughts on the Kevin cancer situation.

“I have concerns. Your cancer is growing too fast.”

Now this was not news to me. I see the numbers. I know what is going on, but I sure as hell was not going to bring it up. I like how things have been going. I figured that when it got important one of the doctors would say something. Well I guess he just did. Damn.

My goal this year was to be able to go to Alaska in July and my class reunion in September and not be on any poison. I did not want to be sick on these trips. I do not want people to see me sick.

The good doctor had my undivided attention. When your cancer doctor tells you that your fucking cancer is growing too fast well he just became Dr. EF Hutton and you listen. Okay you youngins will not get that reference, Google it.

“If it does not slow down soon, then we are going to have to do something.”

Wait a minute it sounds to me like he is not going to try to get me to agree to do something right now. That was a good thing, because it was not going to happen.

We had this conversation on July 16^th. My Alaska trip was coming up very soon when we had this talk. I’ll be damned if I was going to go on anything or do anything to make me sick. I am getting on a plane on July 25^th. Whatever he is planning on doing will have to wait.

July 25^th, that is tomorrow! I need to pack! Damn.

I sat there looking at him. I did not say anything. I wanted him to continue. I wanted to hear his recommendation.

I had to fight the urge to quote “Brother Stork” and say to the good doctor, “Well what the hell are we supposed to do you moron?”

Maybe I would have left the moron part out. Maybe?

(Okay I will explain that Brother Stork is a character in the movie Animal House. Animal House by the way is one of my favorite movies. You guys need to be writing this shit down if you plan on having a chance of winning Dead Man Trivia.)

The doctor talked about radiation. This is a strategy I knew was a possible option. I do not stay up until 3 AM reading articles, research reports, and clinical trials for nothing.

As he talked I learned that this is an option that might allow me to stay off of the poisons a little longer.

He talked about having a specialized scan that would more precisely identify my lesion/tumor hot spots sooner that other scans. If they can be located early and there are not too many of them they could be radiated. The radiation would hopefully kill or shrink the tumors. This would help with pain management as well as give me more time. It would not cure me. Damn!

One problem we might run into with this strategy could be getting the insurance company on board. He explained that the needed scan is not covered by many insurance companies. He did not know if my insurance would cover the scan.

That is a very good question. We have run into this problem before. After my surgery they wanted to radiate me, but they wanted a special scan done to better find the cancer. At that time they were hoping the radiation might cure me. For that to happen they had to know where it was.

The insurance company declined to pay for the scan. The window of opportunity for the scan would soon close.

I went ahead and had the scan. We hoped to appeal the insurance company’s decision to deny the coverage of the scan. It is like asking for a second opinion. Who do you talk to for this second opinion? Well someone else in the insurance company. Hahaha. Really that shit is not funny. The system is rigged.

My radiation oncologist wrote a letter to the insurance company. She spoke over the phone a few times with the insurance company doctors who could reverse the decision not to cover the scan. She explained why the scan was needed and how it would help me. She got mad and hung up on them once. After all the talk the decision was not reversed.

I could write an entire essay on that situation. Maybe someday I will.

I imagine we might have the same problem again. The scan is expensive and this time the radiation does not offer the chance of a cure. If the scan is not approved I will not have it done. That will mean going back on the poisons. Damn.

In the past receiving this information might have worried me, but not today. You learn to go with the flow. Tomorrow might offer a different opportunity. Tomorrow might bring a different procedure or a new poison. Whether Brutus slows down or not is out of my control.

So tomorrow I start my Alaska Adventure. It will be a great time. Living now is my priority.

When I get back if that Little Bitch Brutus is still serving lemons then I will have one big ass glass of lemonade. As I sip on that beverage I will think of this trip and appreciate the life that I live.

Que Sera, Sera, What Will Be Will Be…..

Kevin